Yesterday was quite an unusual day as I ran into two men that I care about and I love talking with, I hanged out with my uncles and auntie, had a dinner with cake and family and went to bed quite late, none of those happens as regularly on weekdays as it does on the weekends, but my mum needed some talking and I was happy to spend time with them and forget about pressure. 

Here's a reality, I wrote everything for this week, but hated it so much that I decided it was not worth showing anyone so it's on the editing pile, but I don't know if I want to really share it.
I went through a weird week last week, I wrote about it, I wasn't feeling quite my best for anything really, but I also felt chained, like there was nothing I could do to get out of that mood, not even working out helped and let me tell you, I like punching and letting sweat take away the stress, but nothing came out of it.
Anyway, by Thursday something changed, it's like something inside me clicked, I came up with my December project, the idea flew into my mind, after the mood everyone was going through after the election, it was like that little flame inside me grew, but then again, I didn't knew where to start.
So, this weekend was for that, I reconnected with my inner writer and inner responsable self, because to be honest I had a lot to do, my school papers had been put on hold for over a week and know I was hand tied, they were due this week and I had nothing, it's worth saying that I haven't been sleeping much this three days, but I shall start sleeping better when the semester ends.
And then as I asked people for help with the project, I was surprised, a lot of people who I haven't talked in about 3 or even 4 years decided to help me and it felt so nice, my heart warmed up with that, it was nice seeing that they don't hate me, it was nice to build bridges.
Then there's my family, I still don't know how I feel about all of this, but I'm starting to feel closer to some of them, mostly cousins that seemed to be left behind in this whole movement of reuniting the family that my mum has been leading.
A lot has been happening behind closed doors with them and even though I can't talk about it, I do wish everything can work its way through so we can have our winter holiday in peace, my mum really needs it, the pressure has been on for her,
I hope you are ready, even though this week you may only get MT, you are going to be getting something really special for Christmas this year, I hope you enjoy it, my story on wattpad is also going under editing, so you can always go back to those amazing #VoiceForEveryone posts to get into the holiday spirit.

There's this one song from Michael Bublé that says "I'm old enough, but not done hoping", welcome back, it's been a long time since the last time I wrote something before going to bed, I think it was in december when the 12 stories were going up and I needed a little bit of relief.
Where am I right now? I don't really know where I'm standing right now and I like it, I like not feeling secure of everything this time around, last summer I still had classes and a job waiting for me to be done with the semester, but this time.. nothing.
I've been realising a lot of things this past week or so, having time to think has always screwed me over, I tend to overthink things and end up in a ball crying what I didn't do, but this time is different, the only thing I could say I really "regret" is not saying goodbye to any of my french classmates, I know I'll still see them, but it's not the same.
I started to do exercise, if you know me, you know that my life during school is really active, but this time I'm facing free time, which is weird and makes me a bit anxious,  staying at home makes me feel bad, I like going out, walking around, chatting, being around people even when they don't know me.
So I decided that maybe I needed to add a little bit of activity into my life, so I started running and doing little routines, I'm still doing yoga, although today I had to stop because I was not in that mindset, I was all over the place, feeling weird and maybe a little bit dehydrated.
I've been reading a lot, a lot, I think I'm going into my 7th book this week, yeah, as I said previously, I've been having time off and what else is there to do, that's why I was so excited to start with the book club, but I'm being on and off about it, I want to prepare properly for it and I want to launch it in a better way.
You know how people say, I cannot tell you on what I'm working on? I'm that person, I drawn myself into 4 or 5 projects probably all of which will be announced sometime this autumn, some of them in October because that's my and our birthday month and I love it.
I want to make it special, plus I'm working on a birthday gift from me to me, I think it's time for another adventure Mayte's style, and I think I'm going to have good company, who knows, I just want to make it special and unique, I'm actually planning to make it a two part birthday, a part with my family and the other one by myself.
I'm also preparing some gifts for my dearest friends, I want to see some of them wasted and some of them out of their comfort zone, so that's going to be interesting, I'll be sure to document everything.
For those projects I'm also getting my friends involved, most of them will be joining (I think) and this is to show another part of them to you, it's always hard when you are working on this kind of project but the last time I did it, it went great and it's also a way to spend more time with them.
I'm also working on some changes for the blog, I don't know when either of them is going to be ready, I'm taking my time, because it has to be perfect or as close as it can get, I just figured that now that I have the time, why not do it now?
It feels so good to take all of this out of my chest, I don't talk about any of this with anyone except "Editor" and it's not as often as you would think. Have a great night and keep on dreaming.

Now that I'm back in school, work and life, I'm slowly starting to live more and more, which means that more and more things are happening everyday, things I want to share with someone, things that may not have an outcome, that's why I write them under a different name.
Anyway, I want this back, they are fun to write, sometimes I feel like they are some kind of diary, I can't do them every day but every once in awhile I'll try to put one up.
Back to story, today, well to be honest since I came back to school, I've been feeling weird, happy but weird happy, I don't really know what's happening with me and my mood, but the other day while I  was going to my next class, I started to feel anxious, why? I don't know, but I had to sit down and take deep breaths to calm myself down.
Today was even more of a roller coaster, I told someone I care about my story of relationships, because I wanted him to know why is so hard for me to go on a date, thing he didn't understood and turn everything to be about him, which hurts, I mean, a relationship is a two way street, it's about two people, not one, anyway, after that I started to shake and hyperventilate, I was waiting for my next class to begin, I talked with my best friend but she had to go, that's when I walked through the library doors and decided to pick a new book.
I turned my cellphone off and read for a whole hour, which is new for me, because even when I read a lot, I tend to read up to 20 min every time I have the chance. After that little break I felt like it was not enough, so I grabbed my bag and headed out to the only place I could ever scream and punch things without getting told off or hurting anyone, my old gym.
I don't know if I ever talked about this in here, but I used to be really fit about two years ago, I was looking for ways to avoid a therapist and it actually helped. Anyway, when I got in there, I instantly felt better, when my old trainer saw me, he told that it wasn't an "I'm mad, I should go" option, that I had to be consistent, I get it and even when I gave him a bad look, I know I want to go back.
Taking all of my fury out, left me dead, but as always I had to back into my life before anyone notice that I left for a few hours. Those are the moments when I really think about my life and how different it can be from others and how much pressure I put on myself. I indeed took an hour to rest before sitting down to write this and make my homework.
This is where I would put and emotional phrase or a lesson, but this time I don't have any, sleep tight and keep on dreaming.

At the beginning of the month I said that I was having very emotional days and I didn't even knew why, well this past week and half I haven't been feeling myself.
I haven't talked about this with anyone, so if you are someone close to me please don't feel left out or anything, it wasn't on purpose, it's just that I don't know how to talk about this and not feel fragile or dumb, I'm still working on things like this, I'm learning.
I have been under pressure the past month, December in this household means a lot of work for two weeks, a break, work and a break before going fully back to our regular routine in January, I know that sometimes it may seem like I'm over reacting, one of my friends told me that we all are but that doesn't mean we can't have free time, which I think it's true, but to add to all of that I also haven't been feeling myself.
If you have been through this, you know how easy is to say "I'll feel better with a nap", "I'm tired", when in reality the problem is bigger and we are just trying to hide it, it's not that I don't feel like doing anything is just that I don't feel like myself.
For the past two weeks I've been on and off everything, I even skipped days from school, I even stayed in bed one day, that hasn't happened in a long time and it's easy for me to lie and say that everything is going to be okay, it's just one bad day, I'm just tired. But I'm not, I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been doing much, I barely left the house this past two weeks.
Today I talked with my therapist because I decided that this was not normal and that talking with someone was probably going to help, surely enough I was right and after being on the phone for about an hour I discovered what was going on, I start new projects and new things all the time and I put myself into a lot of pressure that at some point it's going to make me explode.
I haven't been doing the things I love doing, I haven't been reading, I haven't been listening to music, I haven't even been updating my agendas, if you hear it like that, it sounds crazy because not everyone think of those activities as relaxing, but those things have been on my daily schedule for months and leaving them hanging and leading a life without them made me feel bad and disorganised.
My life has been a mess this month, I can blame my lack of time, when in reality it's just that as I was a mess, everything around me was the same.
I'm not taking days off because I think that at this point this is going to put me in a worst place, what I'm doing is actually taking breaks, doing what I love and go back to a routine. With the pressure there are a few things that I can do but most of them have to do with managing more efficiently my time. We'll see how it works now that I'm also going on holiday.
I wanted to share this for two reasons, one being writing has been my way of taking of my system and number two because as much as I sometime things like this to stay private, I also want people that are going through similar stuff to not feel alone, I want them to know that not everyone is perfect and that asking for help is fine and you shouldn't be judged for that.
Sleep tight and never stop dreaming.

I don't know what has happened in the past few days that I haven't been feeling inspired enough to write and I really have a lot to talk about, I don't know how to put it with words and that it makes sense.

I've spent most of my weekend on a car, listening to relaxing songs while thinking of my life, I don't know if this has something to do with the end of the year or maybe my friends, I don't know but I like it.

Hello, it's me, your normal host with a craving for writing and sharing her emotional stories, I haven't been writing my own words and I miss it, I miss sharing what happens on my day to day life, those stories that either make me cry or laugh a little bit.
First, I feel a little bit exposed now that my secret project is out there, I think that as I kept it as a secret for so long it became part of me and sharing it has been tough but I feel goo for what's to come. Secondly, I been really reflecting and thinking of where is my life right now and all of the things I've been through, every morning while I walk to the bus stop I think about the amazing friends I have and how lucky I am to be living the life I have, my family and friends support me a lot through those crazy ideas I have.
Thirdly, my dentist got me think of my performance in every aspect of my life, he really gets me to talk while we wait for the anaesthesia to kick in, I've been slacking in a lot of things, it may not seem like it but I really have been quite lazy. "Fourthly", the end of the semester is close and if this semester ends, it means that my time in university is starting to come to an end and I don't want that yet, but I guess I still have almost two years to figure my life out.
"Fifthly", on the subject of my life career wise, the other day I was talking with a friend, getting his opinions of the whole (Have you noticed that I sometimes forget to put the w at the beginning of whole?) desing and he told me he really liked my vision on those kind of things and he is not the first to ever say that, I don't think I ever mentioned it properly but I really do know my way around design, my dad convinced me to take courses since I was a little kid and I quite like it, the problem is that I don't really know if I like it as a career.
"Sixthly", I gave up with my Christmas shopping, my parents are the only ones that deserve something and they are the hardest to buy things for, I gave up and I decided to buy little things that make me remember them and they liked the idea. "Seventhly", my mum left both my dad and myself hanging, we don't know anything about our holidays this year, she is keeping it as a secret, she is big on surprises, I really don't know what to expect.
"Eighthly", I realised why I feel so comfortable with my crush, he is the same as my best friend and I didn't noticed (They even have the same hair cut) and I freaked out a little bit, maybe that's why I haven't been looking out for him in the past few weeks, maybe in my mind I missed my best friend and found him, who knows?
Finally, before this becomes even more ridiculous, I've been really emotional lately, I blame it on my uncontrollable hormones but maybe it's the stress kicking in and making me all teary for the silliest things, like when my mum eat my cheese and I cried a little bit, that's why I wanted to write this, I wanted to put my thoughts out there for you to laugh a little bit. I'll try to do it more during this days.
Have a lovely night, sleep tight and I hope you like tomorrow's story (the author is my best friend)

I really hope no one close to me is reading this and if you are my friend sorry telling you how I've been feeling lately, it's that a part of me knew that all of you were going to get mad at me and that was the last thing I need right now.
End of the year, for some people it means parties and holidays, for me and my family, it means more work, more stress and more fights. Everyone around me knows that I have been having a bigger work load and less free time, I got myself into this project, it's end of the semester and in my work end of the year means double the work I usually have, all of this added to the fact that my parents get stressed for the load of work they have around this time of the year, put me in a weird mood.
Lately I've been in this changing mood were I've been crying over the strangest things and getting mad really easily, talking about it makes me realise how weird it is for me to experience this as I've never been this sentimental or changing.
I know that all of this is caused by stress and the way I've been really unhealthy and uncaring, but the dead line of all of this is so close that I can already fill it coming to an end, I just don't want to slow down and that it takes longer to get over.
If you have experienced it you know how bad it can get sometimes, but I really want to end this and dedicate December to plan and relax, to get some me time before the madness of end of the year parties began and I have to start travelling again.
My reality is that I have to work almost 7 days a week, balance my life and school and find sometime to sleep, I don't know when this is going to end but I'm really looking forward to getting excited for Christmas and not doing anything on week days, just watching movies and relaxing with the only thought of what to pack for my next trip.
Sleep Tight.

This weekend I've been hearing this little voice in my head that says that I'm not really good enough, that by the end of the year I won't be as happy as I wanted to be when I'm started. Everything started due to the fact that even when I take afternoons or even days off, I get no rest, I just focus on other things that I knew I had to do but never really got around to do.
But there's that other part of me that tells me to look to everything I've done in this past month or even this past weekend, I set up most of our Christmas decorations and left everything squeaky clean, yet I feel like it's not enough. I really don't know were this comes from, I've been trying to think, I haven't had problems in my house, neither my relationships, I don't know.
This week is going to go really slow, it's a long week as I still have three exams to pass and I'm missing four parts of my secret project, for the first time in weeks I feel like it's possible and that I can do it and it's going to be amazing.
Another thing that has been on my mind rounding are boys, lately I've been thinking of my last relationships and how they ended, I do know where this comes from, I fancy a boy which I guess it's normal but as I have been by myself since the beginning of the year, I don't know what to do and I get a little bit nervous around him, but another part of me doesn't wants to get involved with him because I know he is a player and a good one, he's a little bit like me, the only big difference are the eyes (Which are beautiful) and the fact that he is a male.
Also this season calls for the beginning of Christmas shopping that I hate and I always passed to my mum, but this year I have no help, just the hope of it being really easy.
If I had to guess what's causing me all of this anxiety, I'll say that it's what December means to me. December means that I need to get all of my paper work done before they go on holiday and doesn't only means my paper work, school stuff and medical papers too, it means that I have to do all of my paper work, I have to help my family with some of theirs too and work related to. It doesn't ends in there, I also have to give my best at school because the semester is ending and I also have a list of things I want to change taking advantage of the new year and finally I want that December has some amazing posts.
The best answer for me right now is sleep, tomorrow it's going to be a new day and hopefully a better and brighter one. Sleep tight.
P.S. Sorry if this is all over the place, I just needed to get this thoughts out there, as I haven't been writing my own words for a log time I think I've been keeping a lot of things to myself and that's bad.

My friends: Group of people that knows more about me than anyone else, that support me on every crazy decision I take and that doesn't ask questions.
Thursday was officially my day to myself of the month, I wanted to have a day with my friends to just laugh and not care about the others. Two of my lovely girl friends planned a lunch in our favourite cafeteria near our old high school, we made a friendly bet where the last one to get there was going to have to buy the food, I really though I was going to be at least the second one to get there, but I lost time in class, it was one of my funniest classes of this semester and we were all laughing and having such a good time that I lost track of the time and left late, which led me to pay the food, but we didn't ordered straigh away, we took our time to start talking and wait until the line was shorter, when we finally got to the front of the line we realised that we had no idea what we wanted so after making the waiter laugh with us, we choose something and kept talking, what surprised me the most was that it was like high school but it felt so different, we are growing a lot and even though we choose different paths, we are still close friends, we can talk about everything and be comfortable around each other, it was really nice to laugh with them and really enjoy a time without cell phones or anyone stepping in.
As I was the one with the "free" afternoon, I took them, one to her job and my other friend to her school, but before that they convinced me to go see my best friend, it turns out that his school is really close to my friend's school, she left me with clear instructions on how to get there and a promise to call her if I got lost, I walked for about 15 min and I found it, it's a small school hidden between buildings, I called him but he was late due to traffic problems in the city.
I went in and went to the toilet as I had been sweating under the burning sun and I needed to refresh myself a little bit, I was a bright red colour when I went in, but when I got out of the cabin, I saw a guy washing his hands and I froze, I though that it was the lady's bathroom, he froze too and told me "Sorry, this is the guy's bathroom" and I said "Hmm! I think you are wrong" We went out and when he saw the lady in the sign he laugh and said "Sorry" the girls outside laughed a lot and I went in to refresh myself while I waited.
I just got to see my friend for about 20 min because he had to go to class and I had to get back home, but the fact that I got the time to see him was more than worthy, I can not tell you how much I miss him at times, he's like a brother that listens and defends me.
I know that for some people a day every two months sounds too far away, or not enough to see your friends but living my life and seeing where I'm headed, it's enough for me, a part of me knows that the fact that its not as often makes it even more special. It was a pre-birthday treat for me, I love everything about it and even when I was a sweaty, burnt mess I felt good, I was happy because everything about this day was really special to me. It was nice to see than even when we don't see each other really often, we are still close and we trust and relay on each other.
This are the times in my life where I value more and more my friends.

I live with both my mum and my dad in a lovely apartment near downtown, where if I sit on the couch, I can see the sunrise or if I sit on my bed I can see the sunset, it's an small space for four people for some people, for me is the perfect size, everyone has it's own space to create and do whatever they want, we are all really busy but we have our special dates, every night we catch up with our days, every Friday we eat together and those lazy weekends are for us to bound.
My dad is one of those men that loves fixing everything and finishing whatever gets into his hands, he has tiny pencils, he likes organization but he doesn't has enough time to organize a lot of his stuff, he has an organized mess, he pushes me to follow my crazy dreams and set the bar higg, we fight a lot, he loves his job and I love what he does.
My mum is one of those control freaks if you see her from outside, but she is a loving mother with a passion for getting things right, she loves cooking and understands my humour, she loves reading and she was a lovely teacher, she hates being in her office and loves having something to do, she works a lot and she pushes me to do everything I want and being the best at it, to do everything I can and more, she worries a lot and I love going out for breakfast with her, she loves trying new things but sometimes she can be quite a diva.
They both love each other to pieces, they have this teenage love vibe going on, where they fight from time to time but when they are together you can see how much love they have for each other, they support my decisions and have taught me that no matter how bad the situation is, you always have to puch yourself forward, they are the kind that helps everyone without caring if they are going to get anything from it, I admire them both, for doing what they love with out caring what other people said, they are succesful because of that.
From the outside it looks like a perfect family, but we are not, we just have our way, we love what we do and we do what we love, we fight a lot, we even avoid each other but that doesn't mean we stop laughing, we know and support each other on every aspect of our live and we don't hear what other have to say about us, we don't even have to say I love you because we know that we do.
For that and more I love my parents and everything they have done for me this years.

I live in an apartment near downtown with both my parents and not so long ago my grandma too, she left for a "vacation" with her sisters, she left for an indefinite period of time, she's done it before, but this time it feels like she's saying goodbye for good, like she's not coming back.

Welcome Back! 

Have you ever experienced the pain of loosing something that's really precious for you? I have.

Last Monday was my last day of school, I had my last exam at 10:00 am, I was free for a long month and a half, I was going to have the freedom to do whatever I wanted, sleep as much as I wanted, I was going to be on Netflix 24/7. Life was going to be great.
Two days later my parents suggested a job with a family friend, I was thinking about it, I mean a job instead of those precious our of sleep, who could think of something better, but another part (not as sarcastic) told me, well, you've been spending more and you could use the extra money, plus, it doesn't hurt and let's be honest, you'll be bored before the month ends.
After a lot of consideration, I said yes and headed to my new boss's office, I really like him, he has been a life long family friend, he has known both my parents since before they were a thing, he is a chilled boss that teaches you a lot either about life or work and it's pretty considerate. He said yes before I even had time to say my idea, I was thrilled just with that when he told me where my office was going to be. I've had jobs before, I have a job now but never an office, I used to work with kids,  or with him in the same building as now but never with a proper big office, A BIG GIRL OFFICE, I was extremely excited.
I have a lot of space. a lot of light, fresh air, a super comfortable chair, wood furniture and most importantly a lovely big screen to write on, in my free periods I've been writing more than in my desk at home. Having this new place is refreshing, inspiring and somehow not as boring as I though, I now have my old, lovely job and this one. I have to be more organized, if that's possible, but as it's for my first day I'm more than happy with my new office and my new job.
Maybe I'm taking more in my hands, maybe this was not the best choice, maybe I'll break and quite before august, at this point of my almost adult years, I like it, I feel comfortable, happy and even though I'm tired, I think that this is my best decision yet, it's not about the money, it's about trying something new, plus this job is not taking away any of my freedom, my boss told me that if I ever wanted to have the afternoons free, he had no problems, of course it's not going to be a daily thing but maybe once every two weeks. I guess that everybody's idea of summer is different.

The other day I was talking with my best friend and she told me she was getting old as she is two weeks away from turning 20 years old, I laughed, of course, first because I really don't mind getting old and secondly because I was waiting for that for months, she said she didn't wanted a party or anything like that in her birthday so I started planning something for the day after her birthday, as I've been pretty busy I asked for help to one of my favourite person alive, and he told me he understood her as he knew how much came with the hole "turning 20 thing" and he told me you'll understand when you grow up and it felt nice to hear that.
Here is the thing, he is the only one that treats me like that, like a teenager, like a 19th year old girl, he knows I'm more mature than others and yet he doesn't treats me like an adult, I love it. I think that's one of the reasons why I get in so many problems, everyone thinks of me as a grown up and when my teenage side comes out everyone freaks out, as I'm a year ahead in school, everyone thinks that I should be the way I am know and I don't necessarily have to be this mature. I like being a difficult teenager sometimes.

The other day I went with my cousin to see some paperwork, the last time I saw her I was 13 years old, she grew a lot, she changed in a weird way but the thing that surprised me the most about her was the question she asked me: "How do you live like this" (She was referring to my colour coordinated life) before that my answer was "It's easy" but my answer that day was "I can't live without it and I kind of like it" and I was completely honest with her. I like my colour coordinated life and I'm so used to it that I feel weird when something changes, she made the right question.
I think that after 6 years, she saw a completely different person in front of her, one with two agendas, a passion for books and someone older, maybe she expected a grumpy teenager with a passion for pink things and a social life...

Have you ever looked back at pictures or posts?

I was shocked, I was a teen with problems that loved attention and in general I was a headache, I've been looking back at my pictures and post for a few weeks now and not only I had a terrible mess in my head but I was a drama queen, in most of them I'm "sad" or in a weird mood and I say weird because there's no other word to really express my younger self.
I think that my biggest change was around last year when I said "Enough is enough, I'm out" but still then I had some trouble that I like to think that I've been working on. Looking back made me see how much more happy I am now, how many bad habits I had and how much trouble I created to feel "included".
The main lesson for me, I think was to not carry my heart on my sleeve and to be more mature and make my own decisions, I don't regret anything, I think I learned a lot doing that and I kid of needed it.

The other day while I was getting from one class to another a girl approached me, it was one of my old friends from high school, at first I was nervous then I realised that I had nothing to be afraid of because at the end of the day she was my friend.
We suddenly started chatting about our lives and all the awkwardness faded away. I realised that there are moments where we think we need to hide when in fact, there is people that miss being with you. After running away from them and wanting to start fresh, I forgot that I was also leaving behind good friends. I learned my lesson, I saw a different point of view talking with her.