2017 may have been one of the toughest years yet for me and you may have seen that in most of the posts I wrote and the memories I shared over the past couple of weeks as I didn’t silver lined anything. I came clean but I still feel the pain inside me.
I decided to write about it in an attempt of making myself feel better, even freed from those nasty memories from this past year, but also as an attempt to make everyone out there aware of how hard life can be, even when it doesn’t look that way.
In this past days I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I’ve been trying to see where everything went wrong because not only do I want to turn my life around and make it better, but I also want to feel happy, to heal once again and be the person I love, feel comfortable on my own skin again, stop relying on others to feel safe. I want to be myself again.
I want to go into 2018 with a clear mind, with a clear goal and nothing else because every time I bring something else into the mix is when I get lost and confused. If I really want to work on myself and be that person once again I have to do it alone and by myself.
This year I’m leaving a lot of things behind from old friendships to bad memories, those are luggage I don’t want to carry anymore and lucky for me, I’ve realised that I don’t have to take it with me.
It hurts, and I’ve learned that a lot of things will do, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong. Sometimes we get too attached to things, people, memories that hurt us and they almost become an addiction, an addiction to drama and toxic relationships and I’m going into rehab for that.
I’ve punished myself for a lot of things that went wrong this year when in reality I know I wasn’t guilty from them, I was just a girl trying to do what I thought was right, trying to help someone out, figuring out what was there to do but nothing worked.
Life doesn’t give second chances and I don’t want to feel like I wasted this chance. Do you remember that girl from a year ago? She was amazing! I loved that girl, I want to go back to being and loving that girl for who she was, for what she did, but most importantly for how hard she worked on herself.
One thing I learned and want to take for the next year is that it doesn’t have to be that way, you can change things around if you want to. I want and I will.