Ever since I was a little kid I've been the nervous kind of human, it's true that some of my family members have been diagnosed with anxiety but I never paid attention to it, I didn't knew what it was. As I grew it started to became more and more noticeable but nothing big ever happened until high school. 

Puberty hit me months before high school, so when I got in I was really happy with my body and with the way I looked, but going to a different school with different kids meant that everyone was going to have a different opinion, I learned that my body type is called fat, those comments hurt and as they continue to build up, the only thing that I found comforting was food.

I gained a lot of weight and critics on my first year, then someone made a comment to my face and I couldn't handle it, I stopped eating, I lost a lot of weight and yet I was not happy, I build this mask were everyone thought I was a happy, popular, confident girl, when in the inside I was broken.

This is when my crazy teen years started, I hang with the wrong people, I failed a lot and I became a girl that not even me could recognise, I was trying to fit in and do what everyone did, this brought a lot of attention from my parents, we started to have a lot of problems and I felt like an outsider in my own house. I started to eat again, I gained back all the weight I had before and even more, I ate a lot, that was the only thing I found slightly comforting.

I started to be more involved in more activities to keep myself busy and out of my house, I was feeling more nervous than usual, I was drinking a lot of caffeine, my diet was horrible, that's when I had my first panic attack, I didn't knew what was happening, I don't remember what triggered it, I just remember how I felt and the urge I had to leave school and everything I was doing, I ran into my best friend that hold me until I stopped shaking, he never asked, he stood there like a rock.

On my way home the only thing I could think of was that no matter what happened, no one needed to know about this, it was already bad enough that I was having this episodes and having to deal with what others had to say was going to make it even worst. I didn't said anything, I just stopped going out and it's like my life changed from there, it all became black and white.

While working I used to escape to the bathrooms so that no one saw me cry, I barely ate or I over ate, I missed school, I was asleep or in my bed doing nothing all day, no one knew what happened and I gave everyone a different story every time they asked.

My mum noticed this too, she took me to see her doctor, a lovely lady that I didn't wanted to see, I had a general check up, she gave me a diet, a healthy one, but when she asked about a few scratches and my addiction to gum I freaked, I just told her I sometimes was too nervous, but she didn't went for that. I told her about this episodes and she was the first one to mention anxiety. 

I followed her instructions and for the first time since high school I was happy and enjoying my life, but it wasn't mean to last long,  I went back into my old habits when school started to be harder and I started to fail. At this point my life went back into a black point and I started to skip school again, but this time no one was able to help me, I hid and as I didn't had as many classes as I did before, not everyone noticed how much time I was staying in home.
I had the opportunity to go back to work in a summer camp but this time I didn't enjoyed it as much, two of my co-workers didn't like me, they made my life harder and my work less enjoyable, I started to have regular panic attacks and at this point of my life is when I felt lost and I stopped dreaming.
When I went into to make my exam to get into college I was so unmotivated and sad that even when I got into the school I wanted for so long, I didn't felt anything. One afternoon while I was by myself I made a decision that was going to affect not only me but everyone around me, I wanted to end up my life.
I still don't know what stopped me, I was about to get it and I was sure that I was going to rest after that, but something made stop just before I got it, that night I knew something was about to change but the only thing I needed was to sleep.