Our past don't define us, that's true, but our pasts can scare us for what's to come. Once you meet pain there's no way of forgetting how bad it made you feel and this week unlike any other I was faced with past pain that I never thought I would go back to.
"What if I don't get in?" was my first question when I was faced with this opportunity, in my mind everything was too good to be true, it was a god's send. Something like this happens few times and there I was wondering whether or not I was deserful enough, whether or not I was smart enough.
People believe more in me than I do and that changes your whole look in life, because even when you see someone in the mirror you don't see what others see, you don't see the sparkle in your eyes, the security they see, you don't see how valuable and beautiful you are, so you don't believe them.
The truth here is that once you mess up, once you throw your life away and you try to come back you are always going to feel like nothing you are doing is ever going to be good enough, everything you are doing is falling short and even when you seem to fight to get to that place, you can't.
There's this voice in the back of you head talking to you, saying how much more you could've done, how much better my life could've been if I payed attention to everything everyone said back then, saying how much I don't deserve any of this because there's people out there busting their back trying to get somewhere.
It's a tough feeling to overcome and to be honest, right now I don't feel like I'm ever going to overcome that part of self hatred I have. It comes from a deep place inside me, one I haven't been brave enough to explore and one I might never, ever want to go to, because it hurts and it makes me go back to the memories of a person I was.
And here comes the worst part, making the decision, asking the questions, deciding if you want to venture or if "safe" is going to be good enough for you. Whichever you decide is going to define your next step and the next version of you and you are either going to be happy you made that decision or resent yourself forever.
Whatever you do, wherever you are I can just tell you one thing, be brave for everyone but most importantly be strong for yourself, because you are the only one living with the decisions you make and only one that really knows how you are feeling.
Ask opinions but don't live through them, take your time, if it's important for you then it's going to take time, you are going to feel scared once again but as they say, "Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our dreams" Les Brown.
It's true, a lot has happened but I've let all of that take control of my life and by the end of it I'm so tired that I stopped doing what I love. I have to decide whether to fly or sink, again, and make myself responsible once again.