It's been a while, and I want to say I have excuses, but I don't. Ever since I managed to get some free time I've been spending it at home, thinking about everything that happened in the past five months and how it has affected me, thinking about the person I want to become and what I should do in the next months.
Reflecting is something I used to do all the time, but stopped maybe a year ago, saying that I didn't have enough time to do it, using everything as an excuse because I wasn't happy with myself, I was so lost that I was afraid of what I was going to find if I were to dig deep into the mess I was calling my life.
Then, when my grandma died, I started feeling pain again, something I kept myself from feeling for a long while, every problem I would have would be minimised by my responsibilities, by what everyone else would say and little by little I started to become cold and someone I couldn't recognise. Very few people would be able to see this snippets of me when something would break me.
Emotional pain is something I've hid myself from feeling because I never know how to treat it, how to get over something like that, but this time, I was forced to feel and let it out, because if I didn't, I knew I would be setting myself to become a cold, lonely person and that's something I would never want to become.
So, for the next month and a half I focused on how I felt, pressure built up inside me and there were days in which I forced myself to cry just to let some of that pain out. It's been a tough process going from trying to feel the less possible to wanting to be more open with my friends and family about my struggles and emotions.
Now I cry when I feel overwhelmed or try to talk with someone when I feel like something is too much to take in. I'm nowhere near to the place I want to be and I know this is just the beginning, there are so many unfinished business that I've kept to myself that I would love to fix or to let go off to be able to move on.
It's a new page and there are so many things I feel like I need to get done, but I'm not going to push myself into doing everything all at once, I'm going to take as many baby steps as I need and really focus on what feels good and makes me happy, it's time to do something for myself.