It's true, I'm scared of being vulnerable. It's no secret to anyone that comes close to me, I don't warm up to them easily, I don't really like people touching me and most importantly, I've come to hate when people try to hit on me so I built this little bubble where no one can touch me or even come close to my cold little heart.
The people that are close to me have been in my life for over 5 years and even then, the friendship didn't really come right away, it took a lot of chats and warming up to. That little circle of friends know everything about me, from the last time I went out to why my anxiety can be so bad sometimes.
They know about the important things in my life and for so long they were the only part of my life that stayed the same, no one else would come in for more than a month and I was okay with that, not only was I not getting attached, they left without any harm and I was able to live my life more freely.
I never realised I was so closed off until "Editor" pointed it out a few years back, we had such a fall out because of my lack of emotional attachment and I still couldn't bring myself around to saying the words I knew I felt. I care a lot for him and he will always have such a special place in my heart, no matter the amount of fall outs we have.
And it's true, I almost never say how much someone means to me unless I feel like they are having a hard time and need the love or I feel like I'm pushing them away. People would figure out my feelings for them before I even could caught up with them and sometimes that would freak me so much that I would run away.
But lately that fear has been wearing itself down in what may be one of the few healthy relationships I've had in a while. It has bee such an organic change that I didn't realise what was going on until someone else pointed it out. By then it was too late for me to turn around or really do anything differently.
Talking with my friends I realised how much fear still lived in me and how hard it had become for me to say what I felt out loud. For a few weeks I was so afraid of what could happen that I didn't really pay attention to anything around me and then "Stranger " put me back into my place, he told me some of the worlds I'll carry with me forever.
"I'm okay with you being afraid, I'm okay with you feeling like this but I'm never going to let you use fear to get away from something like this. Fear shouldn't control you because if it ends in a month or a year at least you'll know you had the opportunity to live something that was real, he's not like the other ones"