I know what you are thinking, I'm coming and going, leaving things unfinished, my reality is that I'm finding who I am again. It has taken me two months after the loss of my grandma to find an idea of who I want to become, something a lot of people don't understand is that I went from having a lot to do, to having nothing.
It's been years since I've had this kind of freedom and it freaked me a lot, because I had no school, no routine, no structure to hold on to and my world crumbled down, I held to what felt safe and for a month felt crippling anxiety of what would happen if I let go of many of those people that were next to me through all of this.
But something clicked about two weeks ago, something changed in so many ways, something about the way I was acting didn't make sense and suddenly I realised how much I was relying on everyone else just to feel better about myself and to feel more grounded. That's where my anxiety was coming from and unless I started doing my thing, it wasn't going to stop.
For the past four years I've been working on a Summer course and this year is no exception, I'm going in with more fear than the first time. After everything that happened last year, my mind can't shake up that feeling of insecurity and lack of self worth that got me so bad.
Truth is, I'm a different person, so much has happened since that last day, I've done so much for myself and there's so much I would like to focus on instead of focusing on the people that made me so miserable. There's such a different dynamic going on in my life, different people, different feelings and most importantly a different desire to get better.
I don't want to fail the people that have been with me for this past year holding my hand, I want to do better for them. I'm nowhere near recovered, my eating disorder haunts me daily, my anxiety some days can be manageable, some days none existent and some days it can keep me from living a normal life. It's been a hard couple of months but I want to feed this desire to get better no matter what happens.
My plan is to work more, I know I'm choosing the busiest month of my year to do this, but if I can't prove myself that I can't do this, then I'm not going to be able to it in the future. I need a good challenge and taking care of myself is the perfect one for me right now.
Let's make July something we can remember.