Here's something that has been going on and on in my head for the last few days, what if nothing I do is good enough? What if I end up letting everyone down What if those dreams I want to fulfil don't take me to the promised land? Failing has always been one of my biggest fears and now it's more present than ever.
I've let this emotional roller coaster control me and dictate what I do, so instead of working on what I should work on, I spend days feeling anxious, drained and like there's nothing I'm going to be able to do to succeed in life. I feel defeated and the only one to blame is myself.
I've preached for years that not only had I've been working on controlling my anxiety and learning to separate those anxious feelings from myself, but also I've been working on not letting those compulsive behaviours control me and the way I handle my daily life, but now that I'm able to shine a different light on it, I can see that I was able to control them because I was living a more controlled life.
Truth is, right now I found someone that's challenging me in more ways than he should, he's the first person to say what everyone thinks, to call me out in my shit, to give me the support I didn't know I needed. He took me out of my emotional comfort zone and made me realise that I kept myself inside this little bubble and everything looked perfect from there.
He made me see that maybe I am a little bit broken, but there's so much I could do to get better that the only way to get to that place, is to work on it, to put all I can into those goals and make them happen. I'm still working on that, I don't think I can burst my bubble just yet, but at least now I'm working on taking those baby steps to see where all of this comes from.
A part of me wishes that I could say that I'm better, because that's what we all want to reach for, that's the end goal, but I'm not better, maybe feeling a little bit more positive, maybe a little bit less flustered but my recovery has been going slower than I thought and sometimes that's the one thing that will bring me down after a good day.
I'm scared of failing everyone that has believed in me and saying it out, even when it makes it feel more real, it also makes me realise that no one should hide how they feel just for the sake of showing this perfect image of themselves. It's better to show the work you put on yourself, than to give that faux image.