There are so many questions in my mind. Why would I let that happen to me? Why didn't I stop it before it was too late? Why didn't I do anything? Why was I so weak when I had to be strong?
As you can see all of those only involve one person, me, because for this past year I've been blaming myself for everything that went wrong, everything that could've had a backlash was my fault and no one else's and that started to weight on my soul, myself, my spirit.
You could see it, I felt sad for most of 2017 and it was something I was so scared of that I hid it. I was scared of falling back into that black hole I worked so hard to get out of about three years ago, so I hid it from the world, I told myself that maybe if I didn't give it recognition it would go away.
It didn't and added to a series of events that happened this year my soul was so broken and my head so dizzy that there was a point were the only feeling I could express was anger, pure anger towards people that didn't deserve it, to people that supported me.
I don't know at what point I stopped being happy or the girl I was before, but I do know that deep inside I was trying to do everything I could to be her again, to be who I loved being, to be happy.
Nothing worked, if anything everything went downhill from there, I guess I was trying to be someone that wasn't completely real, I wanted to go back to being who I was instead of moving on, instead of taking all of those lessing and moving on from there.
I became lazy about myself, I stopped caring about self care, I stopped doing what I would do every night before bed, I stopped reading out of love or interest in the book, I stopped doing all of this things because in my mind I had to do them, it became an obligation to me.
I don't have an answer to why I let all of this happen, I don't think I'll ever find a true answer to everything that happened, all I know is I want to go back to basics, take care of myself, do what I love when I feel like doing it without neglecting any of my responsabilities.
I know I've said of all this before but know it's real, I want to heal, I want to take advantage of the Monday and the new year, let's start fresh.