Dark colours are associated with fear and that's exactly what I felt through June, I became aware, once again, of how much I'm afraid of failing, of not being good enough or simply not being who I thought I was.
Through May I was a stressed mess and this became even worse when I realised that if I weren't to pass my English course in that month I was going to be able to finish until September, if I was luck, because I had Summer Course right in between and the next two months were going to be about that.
To put it into perspective, I had to pass my last two day exam in the first round in order to finish just two weeks before summer course started and had time to hand my last papers in time and maybe, just maybe, have a week to rest without any commitments. If I were to fail I was going to need to retake the whole month worth of classes and there was no way of fitting it in.
That month I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat without thinking about those exams, so when the score for the one that was worth 50% of my grade came back I felt a little bit defeated, I got a 42 out of 50 and you might be rolling your eyes thinking well, that isn't bad and it isn't, but in those classes I had always reached to be the best and knowing that I could still blow my chance to pass this class put me in a really bad mood.
The next two weeks we had mock after mock of the exam and every time I would get out of that class and have a headache, mostly during the two hour listenings, but no matter how much I did I still felt like nothing I was doing was going to be good enough, each time I felt like I was going to fail and blow every chance I had from now on.
The day of the first part of the exam I was so nervous I barely slept, I was so anxious and got to the test late but lucky for me I managed to regain time as I'm always quite fast with exams, but then the second day rolled around and I knew I was going to be in trouble, listening is my weakness.
On the day I was supposed to get the results I had "Chef" by my side, holding my hand and telling me that I was good enough, I was going to pass, so when my teacher called me and told me that I got a 92 I was more than delighted, my exam was perfect and although a weight was lifted of my shoulders, I realised that I had a lot of explaining to do to everyone that got around with me and my horrible mood, but a lot of them understood quite easily and I realised that even when it was all for a good cause, I shouldn't be like that with no one ever.