October was a month of figuring out, not only were a lot of things on the lose after the earthquakes, there was a lot I needed to figure out and learn myself to be where I am today. I feel like this month was to set myself in a better place and be happier.
I was angry, I felt so resentful towards people that didn't deserve it and I'm not sure why, I had nothing missing, everything was at the reach of my hand but there I was being an annoying little girl crying because I wasn't getting what I wanted or thought I wanted.
My grandma had problems with her blood pressure days before my birthday and I was so mad at her because once again it was happening on days before my birthday when I wanted everything to be about me or at least have some down time after everything that had been going on everywhere. Then I realised that she wasn't guilty for any of that.
I went to a funeral, I hadn't been to one in the longest time and knowing that it was one of someone I met in high school and got to live some of my rebellious stages with was quite shocking, I went for a run the day they told me, he was a victim of the earthquake, I had no idea how to react to that, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at the people that were guilty of that happening to him.
The day of my birthday was the angriest, on my mind I thought I was going to be lavished with all of this messages and attention and I sort of did but not from the people I thought and I was mad because I thought I was important to them but then I realised that I got attention from people that cared about me and that was more than I could ask.
Then I was disappointed, what happened to those close friendships? Those you fought your way through many problems? Where were they? I was mostly sad because of one particular person, one person I had listened to for many hours, one I would go out of my way to help, one that's no longer in my life.
I'm not pointing at anyone, I was mad for a few days but the more I think about it, the more I realise it wasn't meant to be, maybe it was too late for me to offer everything to that friendship, maybe it was my fault, but at least for now I know I didn't do anything wrong, it was a decision made and I won't do anything to change it for me and the other person's sake. All I have to wish is good luck and happy memories.