Where have I been? What have I been doing? Am I better now? I wish I could answer all of your questions with an easy answer but I can't, there's no way of belittling what's going on in my head and it has been affecting my life and (indirectly) affecting everyone else around me so I thought why not explain everything so it can make sense once in for all.

I haven't had the motivation to do anything, I know this is as a result of the loss of one of my middle school friends, it was an event no one expected and one that changed more than one life because as much as she didn't have a huge group of friends, she marked so many lives and I can't believe I got the chance to see her one last time before all of this happened.

Losing her made a lot of fear and insecurities reappear, I felt like a lost kid for more than a month. I wasn't talking to anyone and I could feel my parents getting worried because every time they would push conversation I wouldn't answer even when I felt like I should say something, I couldn't form any thoughts and everything around seemed so artificial.

Around the end of May I thought I was getting better, I thought the pain was finally retrieving but I was wrong, bad days still badgered and there were days in which I wouldn't even have energy to get up from bed and if you suffer from anxiety or depression in the past you may know the fear of feeling like this, I was afraid of falling back into that rabbit hole and losing the little part of me that I had gained back after years of work.

Then one of my friends went through something bad and all of those fears and pain I felt had gone, came back and came stronger, that happened during the first week of June and it threw me into another downfall. My mind was crumbed into a little ball and nothing seemed right.

There were many occasions in which the smallest thing would throw off all the balance I thought I had, it could be anything from a hug, to a phrase, to a picture. Memories from her and all of the things we went through would come and go, leaving a sour aftertaste on my mouth, causing the pain to resurface and leave me hanging once again.

A part of me wishes this was everything I had during the past two months but it isn't even the peak of the iceberg, unfortunately there has been more than the lost and I'll keep talking about it, just wait until the next one and remember to keep on dreaming.

Mayte.