It all started again when she left, when she disappeared without warning, it was a test I wasn't ready to conquer but I didn't have the time to question myself, everything fell and those news ripped apart the confidence and the love I had worked for four years to gain back.
Therefore here we are again, here are the insecurities back at it's finest, here is the pain, here is the low self-esteem and lack of love back again.
I knew it was back before it was at full force, my body didn't seemed tight enough, my jeans were "too tight" again and my reflection became the most dreadful thing in the world. I couldn't see what everyone was seeing, I couldn't see the light in my eyes anymore. I was slowly letting the pain win.
The physique checkups began again in mirrors, in windows, in every place I could see a reflection of myself.
How am I supposed to overcome something that I don't know how it began? All I know is that for many years now I've been having an evil battle with my body, with how I look and the way clothes fit me. Not being skinny became my biggest insecurity and for many years I didn't realise I had value or was worth love.
It became a vicious circle, wanting to workout, wanting to slim up and nothing being good enough. I wasn't happy in my skin or any clothes. Every effort backlashed at me and each time I would end up with a lot more insecurities than before.
It's true what they say, your biggest battle is with yourself and in this case, I don't know if I'll ever win, or if something positive will ever come from this, I know that so far I've been able to eat better, have a better life than before, without any vices but I also know that in times like this, I don't know how to deal with me, with my insecurities and the monsters that come with it.
Even when I don't weight myself, even when I stopped measuring I know I'm not confident about my size, my weight, my proportions. It takes time to heal, it takes time to learn and I swear I'll keep on trying.
Mayte.
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