It has become a habit of mine, obsessive cleaning and organising until I know that nothing is out of place, a part of me thinks is because it's going to be the only way for my mind to focus on the tasks that I have in front of me, but recently I've discovered that the reality is different.
Most of the time when I dedicate myself to clean a room is because whatever I could'd in my mind is disturbing me. A great example is my life right now, I've been trying to work on a project to enter my masters but instead I have been cleaning and organising like crazy to keep my mind of off the project, moving deadlines and sending extension emails with bad excuses.
And then there's the other side of my organising addiction. I cannot function unless I know that everything is where it's supposed to be. If I can't find it, then I can't work on that one thing, so most of the time I'm going to deviate my attention from this one important thing to take care of this one little thing.
The more anxious I get, the more disorganised I am and the more I want to clean. It becomes a vicious circle I'm unable to escape unless I'm on top of everything I do on my day to day.
This is one of those things I've been trying to work the most on for the past year or so, trying to not obsess over having control over every single aspect of my life but it has proved to be almost imposible unless my mind is in the place of total ease and nothing can bother me.
Today I've managed to spend two days cleaning every surface I could see and it still doesn't feel right, maybe because I know I'm not as ahead on work as I'm used to, maybe it's because I know that work is pilling up on me and unless I manage to catch up on the next 5 hours I have there, it's going to keep on growing and I'll end up having another known panic attack.
This is why I need to reconfigurate, I need to learn to let go of the things I shouldn't be worrying about, because no one really cares is my bed was made this morning other than myself. I'll start somewhere I know I will, I just need to figure out where.