I feel like every month I like to point out how emotional and physically exhausting the month was, but that has become a reality of mine. If I were to tell you today how I feel, I would say terrible, sad, unmotivated and a little bit out of myself.
I've been working a lot lately, from 5:30 till 9:00 and I'm starting to burn out, my body is starting to give up and even when I try to give this cheery outside, I'm finding it really hard to stay true to myself and let my emotions shine through.
I thought about quitting this job many times, funny enough this was my dream job a few years back and suddenly this year everything seems to be out of place, everything seems misplaced and even when there have been really amazing moments there, I feel like unless I say goodbye now, I'll get hurt.
I've been dealing with a lot of jealousy, lots of bad things and I haven't been taking care of myself. My anxiety has been relatively at ease but my eating habits have gone to shit and what worries me the most is going back to a dark place in which food isn't essential just because I want to fit in. It's been years since I've heard that little voice and I hate that it's back.
I've been in the mindset that I won't let any of this take over, because I've been happy, I've laughed harder than ever since I lost her, I've been genuinely happy but I can't seem to be able to separate the two of them, take my anxiety as one and my happiness as another.
Writing this is making me emotional, I haven't talked about this with anyone, maybe out of fear, maybe out of lack of time. I've been amazing at finding excuses to not do what would be best for me. I know I need to go to therapy, I need to find a place in which I feel comfortable enough but I don't remember how to get there.
That's the main reason of why I want to reconfigurate my life, go back to basics, to a place in which not only am I going to feel safe but I'm going to be able to work my life out again. I may be just as scary as starting from scratch. No more short cuts, it's time to connect with the person I love, I just have to find her again.