What happens next? How are you supposed to move on with your life after such a hit? I don't know, no one really knows unless they go through something similar and even then, finding an answer seems like the most difficult thing you can try to solve. Feeling this lost is something I want to figure out but at the same time, I want to see what happens as time goes by.
I can feel depression creeping in, I can feel my anxiety taking over certain parts of my life, parts I thought I had under control. Meanwhile I can also feel myself wanting to push farther, harder than ever before but being scared of failing miserably. I back off before I can really do anything exciting.
Fear and pain are the things I've always run away from, why? because they make me feel weak and powerless. They drain all energy out of me and leave me feeling like there's nothing else I can do, even making me feel physical pain, but now I have to deal with both and I don't really know where to begin.
There are many things I want to do next and there are many projects I want to immerse myself into as the year goes on but at the same time I feel trapped in what I'm doing right now, while feeling scared because once all of this comes to an end I'm going to have so much free time that I can either bring myself to the promised land or crash.
I know I should be taking one day at a time but the future seems like one of the scariest things right now, there's no structure I can hold on to and the little plans I have for the next couple of months can really fall through in the blink of an eye. Having my grandma here gave me something to do, something to hold on to.
This is why I want to be as open and as honest as I can, I know there are many people feeling lost and feeling like nothing they do is enough, the reasons don't matter. Feeling like this is one of the worst things I ever had to deal with, losing yourself when you thought you had it all figured out makes you feel like a failure not only to yourself but to everyone else.
The one thing I kept thinking during the service was that no matter how bad my past was, this was a new low for me. The only good thing about this is that once you reach this point, you can only go up, you can only keep fighting for yourself and do what you always wanted.
What's going to happen next, I don't know, but I do know that great things happen when you set yourself to succeed.