A year ago I was mourning the dead of one of my close middle school friends, while trying to get into my masters. My head was in such a different space than it is now that I can barely recognise myself. Of course I was grieving the lose of such a close friend, but I was also carrying other problems, problems I avoided talking about and that had become bigger than I imagined.
I spiralled down quickly, suddenly all my "flaws" were visible to everyone else around me, suddenly my problems with food were back and I started hitting and missing. Trying everything in the books to get better, pushing myself harder than ever before and yet I was still struggling, relapsing and feeling like there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now a year later I'm grieving again, feeling like the world is testing me in more than one way just to see how far I can go and to be honest, I feel a little tired of tests, of people trying to tell me to do more, to explore my potential and of losing people.
My grandma passed away last week, she fell asleep and in the eyes of everyone it was one of the most beautiful ways to go, in my eyes, it was the way she deserved to go. She was such an amazing woman with such a big heart that seeing her suffer didn't seem fair. Seeing her go was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.
"What now?" That's such a good question, how are you supposed to move on from that? She was my partner, we were roomies and now I'm alone, feeling a little lost. The first thing I know I have to do is grieve, the more I keep my feelings in, the less I'm going to be able to handle them in the future. I'm crying when I feel like it and going with what feels okay.
I promised her I was going to do everything that was in my hands to be better, to become the woman she wanted me to be and I want to make her proud. She dedicated so many years to me and to making me the best person she could that staying at home or not working in myself feels wrong.
Unlike last year I really want to work on myself, on becoming the person I've always wanted to be, there's nothing holding me back and with all the free time I'm going to have in the next months, it's worth the try, because if I don't do it now when I can, when will it happen?
It's time for changes and new beginnings. It's time to work on ourselves and becoming the best version of ourselves.