It's fair to say that my life hasn't been the best lately, not because something bad has been happening but because I've been dealing with a lot by myself, up until a month ago I didn't really accept that my anxiety levels where up to the roof and that maybe my relationship with food wasn't as good as I anticipated.
I've been opening about the events that lead me to the big breakdown, the one that made me realise that panic attacks are not normal and that starving myself isn't something people just do, I shouldn't be punishing myself or my body because I don't "fit" in the mold.
It's been a hard awakening, I can see people caring about what I eat, how much I eat, whether or not I feel comfortable in a space and even when it was one of those things I feared the most going into this, I have to accept that the attention has been feeling nice. But I still need help, a lot of it and I won't be able to move on until I get to a point in which I'm happy with who I am.
My reality isn't pretty and right now I don't think it should, I can't move on until I learn and I accept what I've been dealing with. It's soon to say I'm better and I know it will take months to take me to a place of acceptance and self love, but as long as I keep working on it, I'm confident I'll get better and I'll be able to find happiness.
August has been about coming to terms with myself and who I am, but at the same time, it has been about not justifying bad behaviour. I need to be more conscious about the repercussions of my actions. Smocking isn't going to cure all of this, nor does my constant need of coffee and late nights. I need to learn to take care of myself again before I fall into this hole of self destruction.
On the other hand I've been quite lucky, I've been able to do a lot of things I feared or got nervous about, like I got my first tattoo a couple of weeks ago and I went to bar after years of avoiding them. I'm planning my first solo trip for the first time in two years and I'm just trying to enjoy the life I got right now.
It 's not like everything is bad, it's a matter of learning to hold on to the good and let go of the bad. I guess all I have left to say is that if you are going through something similar or you feel like the world is closing down in front of you, know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, not everything is done for you and you should always keep fighting for what you want. Remember to always keep on dreaming.