Having a panic attack may be one of the things I fear the most these days, not knowing how strong is going to be, not knowing if the person next to me is going to know what to do or if they are going to do something to trigger it more. Living in this constant fear can put a weight over your shoulders that's hard to take off.
I thought that in this particular Friday everything was going to be calm and I was going to have the perfect beginning to a well deserved family weekend, but once again I was proved how wrong I was when not only did I have to do my work, but I also had to cover what other people didn't do.
I ran, I called, I delivered and by the end of the day nothing was good enough for anyone. The sour taste on my mouth proved that the critics were getting to me and even when I knew I was supposed to brush the negative off, I couldn't I was standing there, watching what everyone was saying, feeling like a failure and bringing myself down.
I knew it was coming before I felt it, my mind was fuzzy, my eyes were watering, my hands were shaking and I felt sick, I had to get out of there before everything unfolded. My boss saw me first, I knew that I had to pay attention to him but I couldn't, it wasn't until he grabbed me by the arm that everything came down. I was triggered by his touch and the only thing I could think about was getting out of there.  Everyone was calling my name but there was no way for me to go back there.
A coworker saw me and hid me from everyone, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop shaking, not even when we got to the car and less so when I opened up to her. Saying the words out loud makes it feel even more real, I was accepting right there and then that I suffered from a mental illness to someone that had only seen the "good" side of me.
I walked home that day, I felt defeated, broken and helpless. I took a shower and felt how my whole body started to ache, because that day I had one of the hardest and scariest episodes of anxiety I've had in months. It was a sign, it was the moment to ask for help or prepare myself for the worst.
The emotional weight I felt that weekend was horrible, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't care about anything else other than the sadness I had inside.