I'm not certain on how it started, I just remember those dark days in which food seemed the enemy, just like everyone else. Every opinion was made to hurt me, to make me feel like my value was deeply connected to the number on my pants, the smaller it was the better I was, the prettier I would be.
Last week I ran into an old friend, he's one of the three men that got away. My memories of him are nothing but sweet, he was someone that saw beyond the looks, he would always comment on other assets, take care of me and even when my mind told me not to trust anyone, my heart always told me he was sincere.
It seems like I rejected him, the one hidden talent I didn't know I had. He "made it" in those years we were apart, he got married and had two beautiful kids. He has an amazing job and financial stability, yet I felt like I was seeing the same boy, something about him felt familiar and suddenly after everything that I'd gone through that week I felt safe.
It was one of those weird moments in which you feel like someone up there, a higher force, is giving a sign, nodding at you, saying that slumps are slumps and you are going to be okay. It lifted a weight of off my shoulders and I found myself laughing for the first time that week.
The closeness was still there and everything about the encounter seemed natural, like it was meant to be. It almost felt like destiny was trying to tell me something.
Once we started to talk and catch up, I realised he didn't know what I went through when we met, very few people did, so once he started complimenting me, saying things that knew would get to me I broke down, because just like a few years back, I was struggling to see what everyone else saw, to feel worthy of the attention everyone was giving me.
But before I could say anything he told me something I can't forget, something I always thought about but never really worked on. He told me that I used to be closed off, I had a wall around me and no one was able to go through it, not even him. He dropped a bucket of iced water on me.
After all this years he was right, I had a wall, I still have a part of that wall and I don't know how to let go of the comfort and security it gives me because deep down I know that when I know down those walls, someone is going to hurt me.