It's been a while, I haven't been focusing on writing or even paying attention on what's been going on because life happens, all the time and there are some things you can't really control.
My grandma broke her arm on Wednesday, right as she was getting ready to go out. I re-lived the fear of 2017 once again. It was a heavily sentimental day, my mind went into this automatic mode in which I was doing everything because I knew I had to, when in reality my mind was trying to keep my anxiety at bay.
It was a long day of x-rays and medicines but at the end we managed to pull through and get everything sorted before night fell on us. It's tough to see someone you care so much about in that amount of pain and not be able to do anything about it. She's fine now but for a hot minute my mind was wondering, thinking the worst.
My body was shattered by the end of it, my legs hurt, my core was sore and my mind was so exhausted that I couldn't bare to stay awake any longer. I did what I always do when in times of trouble, I ate, took a shower and spend some time by myself to calm my mind and my soul, to reconnect with myself.
To be honest, I'm quite amazed by how I managed the situation, for a moment I thought I was going to freak out, but somehow I managed to keep my anxiety at bay even when the lack of food and tiredness were taking a tool on me.
For now all we have left to do is to have patient, her bone has to heal and we have to keep a clear mind to really help her stay calm in this times of distress.
And for myself, I'm still working on getting back on track. The new year has been rough on me, my body is sore, my mind rushing and my responsibilities are growing but at least I know I have a lot of energy to deal with everything that I'm planning on doing during the next few months.
I really am working on being less scared about the future and stop thinking about the past, I'm slowly realising how little is worth to live in the memories and pain of the past. I'll get better I know that much, when is that going to happen is the real question.
For now, I'll try to catch up on those little lose ends and writing more and more about the steps I'm taking to better my relationship with food and my body. It's time to keep moving and keep on dreaming.