This words have been rumbling in my head for the last two days in which I've had puffy eyes, a red nose and no patience, nor strength for anything. I feel like I've been so out of my element lately and I don't know what to do to recover, I don't know what to do to keep moving.
Funny enough, I wrote a post about how I've finally started to move forward in some aspects of my life, which I still stand by, when something happened, something I never would have dreamt of hearing, not even in my wildest dreams, those news really broke me. I sat down to write and do homework with cheery music just to end up crying.
It got worse as I started to let it sink in, to the point in which sleep avoided me those nights and if you know one thing about me it's that sleep has been known to be the best solution for any of my problems, but this time I was so scared, so hopeless that I couldn't bare to lose those moments sleeping.
And then I did what I always do when in times of trouble, clean. It has become like therapy to me, it's like I'm putting this façade, one in which my life is put together, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and nothing is really going on, it's like I'm preventing things from happening, when in really I'm breaking down hard and fast.
Here I am, for the first time in a one way street without return. To be honest there's no way back from here, it will all go forward with a lot of bumps and tears, because as much as I wish to make it more enjoyable for us who are in the ride, I can't, it's going to be hard, it's going to hurt and the ending it's not going to be easy, but at least we need to try and give our best.
I know that there's still hope, there's a bit of time left for us, for her and I don't want to spend it crying, I want to give my best even in bad days. I'm making a promise to really push myself forward to make her proud, to become the person she always dreamt I would be.
Mayte.
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