My life was good for the next year or so, I became so diligent with everything that I was doing that there wasn't a day I wouldn't study, workout or do yoga. It was a part of my routine I loved and made me so happy that I dedicated most of my day to it. Nothing else mattered.
But life happens and I started to lose that discipline, I didn't pay attention to many things and started to relax a lot more. I spiralled down and I didn't care to even hold on to something. It all came apart and I only realised once it was too late.
The anxiety came back and with it my long time forgotten eating disorder, because yes, I developed an eating disorder during high school. I stopped eating for months and then I developed a binge eating disorder. Both of which where under control and my diet was balanced and my weight under control, until then.
Once you start to lose control over everything, your mind tries to hold on to anything and for me that one thing was food. Counting calories and overworking myself became my way of dealing with my anxiety. I became a prisoner of my own mind once again and I couldn't see it, I didn't recognise the signs until I started feeling the effect of my neglect.
That's why for the past seven months I've been trying to work on myself and nothing else, but life happens and sometimes you forget that there's much more than what you are seeing now. My grandma got sick, she's 95 years old and needs a lot of help. Between my time working, studying and spending time with her, I started to put myself last and all the progress I'd made in the past months was put on hold.
She's getting better, my semester is coming to an end and I'm starting to get this itch back, I want to get better, I don't want to eat to feel better or not eat to feel in control. I want to eat to feed my body, to be able to train the way I want to. I need to stop being afraid of going outside or getting nervous when someone gets close to me.
I know I'm asking for a lot for I know I can get there, it takes time and a lot of work. This is just a setback, one I'll get through and I'll be able to make things better, not just for me but for everyone around me. I don't feel like being burden anymore. It's time to go back and work on myself once again.