I took a week off. Obvious by now, but not so obvious for me that I had to spend time by myself for myself. It's not a concept we are particularly familiar with. We are told to grind and burn out energy out, not to take recovery rest, not spend time trying to figure your life out.
Every time I sit down and try to explain why I decided to do the minimal during a whole week it ends up sounding like I'm complaining or like I don't value how fortunate I am to be where I am, when in reality knowing how fortunate I am is a part of the problem. It's a thought on the back of your head every time you mess up.
I went through a really bad time a couple of weeks ago. We went to a funeral of a family friend, I was not ready to relive any of that. Being there made me realise how much pain I still have inside and how much I've kept from everyone else. So my natural response to that was to close up even more and tell myself that this, all the feelings, were temporary. My feelings felt invalid in a way.
And then I cracked down.
It was a Tuesday, I was coming back home, nearly there when the bus I was on hit another car, nothing happened but my anxiety skyrocketed from there. While I was walking home I was telling myself not to cry, not to break down in the middle of the street. As soon as I got home I broke down and cried for hours.
To be honest, before this I hadn't cried a whole lot. My feelings where kept inside for a long time and that was my breaking point. I remember calming down and telling myself to workout, because that was going to make me feel better. It did, but it wasn't my brightest idea.
During that week my energy was so low that I couldn't concentrate on anything, my mind was fuzzy and my ideas weren't there. Working out became a hassle because my balance was off, my body wasn't responding well to any type of movement and I was giving up every time something became too hard or too much to handle.
By the end of the week I was so burned out that I decided to take a week off. I'm lucky, I managed to send everything on time, even before deadlines and send everything else, everything that wasn't urgent, to the next week pile without having to worry about anything but myself.
Being honest here, my body didn't recover as much as I've wanted to, but my mind did. I didn't realise that not using my computer for a week was going to give me so much peace of mind, but it did. By Thursday I was ready to move again so I went for a run, something I haven't done in two months, which helped me have a clearer mind while destroying my legs.
Am I glad I did it? Of course, it was something I needed to do for a long time to recharge and have everything in order. This doesn't mean I'm there yet, there are many problems I still have to deal with, like my eating habits, it takes a long time to learn how to eat properly, portion control and listen to your hunger queues. At least now I know I have enough time to do it.
Last week I was ready to give up, now I'm ready to keep fighting and learning. It takes a lot to understand what you need and why you need it. Every once in while you'll have to sit down and try to figure everything out again, but be sure that it will turn out alright.
For now I have everything ready for December and the holiday season, I will be changing everything a little bit. I'll only be posting three to four times a week. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Sunday will be my wild card. It's something to end the year on a good note and uplift myself a little bit, I hope you enjoy it as much as me and as always remember to keep on dreaming.