A long time ago, when I started battling anxiety and overcoming really heavy personal problems, I lost my ability to dream, I was emptied out. There was nothing I felt passionate about, I chose my major out of comfort, my life was in a spiral going down and I didn't know how to move on, let alone, keep on dreaming.
I went through months in which I didn't know where to go, my mind was a mess and I was moving through my life in automatic pilot.Every decision I made was with the help of someone else, all I could feel was pain. Panic attacks became recurrent and the only place I found to be safe was my bed at night.
It took about a year, a lot of help and therapy for me to start feeling again and actually leave the comfort of my bed. I was lucky enough to find some people that supported me through the whole process and pushed me forward. I took a lot of baby steps, all I could feel was pain at the beginning.
As I started to go out a lot more, people started to ask what my plan was, what I wanted to do later in my life and all I could do was panic, because it had been such a long time since the last time I thought in any of that. I was still learning on how to live the day-to-day life and I couldn’t dare to think on the future.
I tried to do a lot of things, my mind started going 100 miles an hour, because I thought I needed to have everything figured out, I thought everyone did. What made it a tiny bit worst were my friends, because talking with them I realised that they were starting to realise where their heart was, what they wanted to do, where their lives were headed. They started to work to get there, and then, there was me, with nothing but a heavy past and a messy mind.
I started to do a lot of research, I talked with people to see why they chose their career and what made them chose that life path. I got mixed answers most of the time, but one thing they all agreed was that they tried different things and at the end they did something that changed them, that made them realise what they wanted to do in their life.
I didn't realise I had already found mine a long time ago, I never paid attention, until this past summer when working on summer course opened my eyes. After working on different areas, some related with my major, with administration and even working with charities (which I'm still considering) nothing felt right as working with kids did. Nothing really fulfilled me like this job did, I would go to work with a smile everyday, no matter how tired I was.
It was an eye opening experience, one I was going to turn down out of fear. It had been such a long time since I had worked in something new that I didn’t know what to expect. But now, I’m really happy I took a chance and did it.
Now, three years later, after a lot of therapy, a lot of talking, a lot of hitting and missing. I'm starting to figure out what I want to do next, I'm not quite sure on what it's going to happen, I still try to live one day at the time and not worry about my past, but also, don't let my future pressure me. The only day you can work on yourself it’s today.