Waking up with that familiar knot in your time, trying to figure out what went wrong the night before, everything seems normal and familiar, not much has changed, yet you feel how everything feels different, or maybe you are the one acting different.
Last Friday morning while I was getting ready I felt it, the knot was there, I tried to make a list of things that may have changed, but nothing stood out to me, what was happening? The first time I had a panic attack I was by myself, I didn't knew what was happening, I just knew it was wrong and even when I tried to escape it, I couldn't.
Maybe it was all of the stress I had from school, maybe it was the uneasiness on which I was moving around, I never really know what's causing it, I never know how to act, what if it happens while I'm by myself? Because sometimes it doesn't matter how full the room is, you can still feel alone.
Going from space to space without paying attention, every action I do feels mechanical and planned, everything seems strange and dangerous, even when you might already have done it, I remember that day, I was in high school a familiar space, yet when I tried to find a safe place I didn't know where to go, it was like I didn't belonged to that familiar place anymore.
Finding familiar faces is what takes me out of that state, I can always find comfort and comprehensive look in their eyes, after that day, my favourite place to be is in between "The Entrepreneur" arms because I know that even when the day seems grey and sad, he can always find colours and bring sense back to me.
Laughing almost feels normal, brings calm back to my body, unties the knot that grew on my tummy, brings colour back into my life and ever makes me feel stronger enough to fight. I never know when the knot is going to appear again, I never know what is going to happen but I do know that even if I'm feeling sad, I'll always find strength to fight back and keep going.
Mayte.
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