"Does anyone know that you have been going through this?" Four years ago that was the first thing she asked me when I entered her office, my answer would've been the same now "No, I don't want anyone to know about this", because, then and now, I knew everyone would ask me about how I got here.
Back then I knew I had troubles, I didn't know how big, but I knew they were there. Now it's different, I have an idea of what I have, an idea of what I need to do and fear as big as it could be to go through the things I did in the past. Maybe that why I had been so resilient to talk about this with anyone other than myself.
It was a Friday when I manned up, I needed to talk to the one person that could say me all the harsh truths and still support me."Strange"isn't given enough credit for anything he has done for me, but his friendships is one of the ones I value the most. So before I knew it I was ringing him...
He answered me and before I had time to actually think things though I spit the truth out. "Do you remember two years ago when I told you I was going to therapy? I left it and last night I sent an email telling my tutor that I need to go back".
There were many why's and a lot of tears. Unlucky for me I was in the lobby of my work, I wasn't able to really open up properly. I told him everything that I had done in the past month or so, everything that I felt compromised my health, physical o mental was poured out right there. I also admitted that a part of me feels like I've been denying the fact that she's not here anymore.
It was one of the toughest things I had to admit. He was being understanding and caring but a part of me felt like he was holding back because I was crying, because I knew that what I had done over the past month had been wrong. I was as honest as I could've been and once it was done, I felt sad but relieved that someone else knew what I was going through and didn't judge me for asking for help.
Maybe it wasn't the best way to come out about my struggles again, maybe I could've been more sensitive about the way I was talking about all of this with him. I know it was hard for him to listen that I had been struggling with a subject that has always been touchy with him, knowing that I hadn't been eating can really make you feel bad about something.
It was the first step I took into recovery, it hurt, I cried a lot but it was a weight lifted of off my shoulders. Always remember to talk with someone whenever you feel like you are going through something that's bigger than you.