My life changes on the daily, one day I can be having a great, chill day and others I may feel like the world is crumbling down under my feet, and for a while that kept me from doing things I loved or even enjoying life as it is. There was nothing I could focus on, nothing that would make me feel comfortable or proud of what I was doing. 

It's fair to say I was in a really negative headspace and not doing anything to change it. Then I got sick, and not the kind that would go away once you took medicine, this was serious. I got scared, it's been years since my body gave up on me that way. I couldn't keep food down, I lost weight rapidly and the only thing that kept me going was the little bits of food I could eat here and there. 

As stupid as it sounds, I refused to ask for help. That would mean I failed, everything I had worked for that year was going to be thrown away because I worked so hard I forgot that you need your health to keep going. I cried, it broke me down to a point were I didn't get out of bed for 24 hours. I f*cked it up big time. 

The next Monday I went to see my family doctor, he assured me I would be okay, there may be an ulcer but nothing that would kill me if I kept my word and started taking care of myself. The next two weeks were hell for me. My morning routine included me throwing up bilis and I thought there would be no turning back for me.

The stress my mum went through those weeks was almost unbearable, seeing my father fight cancer while my health deteriorated too was the worst punishment. And then something clicked, medicines kicked in, food started to become a friend again. Life started to get brighter and better. 

I'm a month into treatment and there's still a long way to go through. I was in denial of how much of my ED voice was still within me. "Eat later, you have too much work", "it's too late, wait until lunch and have a better meal". The signs were all there but I denied myself from seeing them, just as I did before. 

Now, I'm living my life the same way I'm eating, as weird as it sounds. I'm doing bits, eating a little more each day, taking life as it comes, learning not to stress over the little things. Becoming someone I can feel proud of. Maybe I didn't know enough, maybe I needed to hit rock bottom to understand it, the important part is that now is that I'm working towards that goal of actually getting better. 

Mayte