You see, when life throws lemons at you, you learn to make lemonade, or so they say. In my particular case, life threw watermelons at me and the only thing I could do was try to catch them and maybe do something with them. 

It all started a year and a half ago when my grandma passed away. Looking back, I can see how bad I handled those days after her passing. All the free time I had was used in nothing. Before I would complain about the lack of time I had to do basic tasks and once I had it, I didn't want to do them anymore more. I became lazy and I trapped myself in that thought for 7 months. 

Then my dad got diagnosed, he needed to go into treatment and seeing the desperation in his eyes made me step in. I took over his job and for the first few months I did nothing with it, there was no point, he was going to come back, or so I thought. Time passed and 6 months turned into a year. 

The day I knew he was going to pass away, months before we got a proper diagnosis, I threw a tantrum, a full on baby tantrum. I didn't want to deal with the responsibilities, or at least not yet. It was the biggest anxiety attack I've had in 4 years or so. I couldn't contain myself and all I could think of was leaving everything behind.

Of course I couldn't, but it was at that time when it clicked. There was no more running away, I had to embrace the responsibilities and hope for the best, my work would speak for itself when time came and I started a new life path, just like that. I had to change in order to adapt to everything that was coming up for me. 

After my father's dead I had three days to pull myself together and see what was up next. I never wanted to run away more, but I promised him I wouldn't and the only thing I could do to honor him was to keep those promises and do what he wanted me to do in this company. 

I signed the contract, got the papers and now all I have to see is if I'm really capable or how I can make it work in my advantage. Because changing is good, right?

Mayte.

Growing up everything scared me, from having to ask someone for something to having to do stuff on my own. The idea of having to be on my own was terrifying and the more I grew, the more my parents wanted me to become independent, so I held on to all those precious years I had around them to help me. 

I was lucky, it wasn't until 23 that I saw the need to branch out and do something else, something bigger, that's when I applied for my masters and it was the best decision for me at the time. Not everyone can say that they had their parents support that long or even get the chance to get a higher degree. I saw the opportunity and took it. 

They say that when you are meant for something else, the universe will do anything to make you notice it, and in my case that something else meant leaving my comfort zone completely. I got a job, I got into a relationship and lost two of the pillars of my life all in the span of three years, everything I knew banished. 

There was no going back, not even to look at the good memories, the more I held on to those precious years, the more defensive, anxious and mad I got. For some reason I couldn't understand that the girl that I once was, was no longer in there. It was time for me to take on the challenges and do what I was always meant to do. 

My introduction to this new life and this new set of responsibilities is certainly out of the ordinary, not everyone falls into a job like this with so many responsibilities, and the more I asked myself why should I keep it, the more I got pulled in. 

I'm still learning and I'm still scared of every aspect of my life that is changing but there's no stopping, at least not for a little bit. I'm hopeful on the thought of actually being able to pull it through and make it happen but once again, one can only work and hope for the best. We gotta remember to keep on dreaming. 

Mayte.

It's been a week since my father passed away, he fought cancer until there was nothing left for us to do. He was in hospital for three days, at home for one. We watched him fade away rapidly, losing his sense of the real world, little by little until his mind wasn't there. He fell asleep for one last time.

I thought about giving up completely on this October project but then I stopped to think that the last thing he would've wanted would be for me to give up, even if the thought of him not being here could destroy me. Somehow, somewhere I needed to have that strength to keep fighting and keep making him proud during the next few years. 

Growing up he raised me to be a strong independent woman, maybe he knew, maybe he just saw the world change for the worse, I'll never know. He pushed me to be an engineer, to study my masters, to learn how to handle myself in front of people. Everything I know about tools, electricity and computers I learned from him.

He was such an amazing man, no one could say anything bad about him. He was a breeze of fresh air to everyone that got to meet him. Everywhere he went he was recognised and loved. There was something so special about him that people couldn't help but to feel safe and understood around him. He was the best husband, father and friend anyone could've asked for.

There was this really selfish part of me that wanted to keep him around forever. I imagined myself getting home from work and seeing him, talking with him like we did before, asking for advice or even just watching tv. But soon I learned that there was nothing else for me to do, keeping him around was cruel for him. It would've come to a point where all he could feel was pain. 

This will be the biggest adjustment in my life to date. Now with my father gone, my mum and I are left alone in the apartment, and we'll have to learn how to work well together and not fight as much so we can keep the last promise we made to him. His two tornados will learn and be better for each other. 

Thanks for 25 years dad, no one will ever forget you, ever. I love you. 

Mayte.

 My life changes on the daily, one day I can be having a great, chill day and others I may feel like the world is crumbling down under my feet, and for a while that kept me from doing things I loved or even enjoying life as it is. There was nothing I could focus on, nothing that would make me feel comfortable or proud of what I was doing. 

It's fair to say I was in a really negative headspace and not doing anything to change it. Then I got sick, and not the kind that would go away once you took medicine, this was serious. I got scared, it's been years since my body gave up on me that way. I couldn't keep food down, I lost weight rapidly and the only thing that kept me going was the little bits of food I could eat here and there. 

As stupid as it sounds, I refused to ask for help. That would mean I failed, everything I had worked for that year was going to be thrown away because I worked so hard I forgot that you need your health to keep going. I cried, it broke me down to a point were I didn't get out of bed for 24 hours. I f*cked it up big time. 

The next Monday I went to see my family doctor, he assured me I would be okay, there may be an ulcer but nothing that would kill me if I kept my word and started taking care of myself. The next two weeks were hell for me. My morning routine included me throwing up bilis and I thought there would be no turning back for me.

The stress my mum went through those weeks was almost unbearable, seeing my father fight cancer while my health deteriorated too was the worst punishment. And then something clicked, medicines kicked in, food started to become a friend again. Life started to get brighter and better. 

I'm a month into treatment and there's still a long way to go through. I was in denial of how much of my ED voice was still within me. "Eat later, you have too much work", "it's too late, wait until lunch and have a better meal". The signs were all there but I denied myself from seeing them, just as I did before. 

Now, I'm living my life the same way I'm eating, as weird as it sounds. I'm doing bits, eating a little more each day, taking life as it comes, learning not to stress over the little things. Becoming someone I can feel proud of. Maybe I didn't know enough, maybe I needed to hit rock bottom to understand it, the important part is that now is that I'm working towards that goal of actually getting better. 

Mayte

Getting our lives "back on track" seems a common goal throughout life but what once you start thinking about it, the idea of it becomes ambiguous and everything becomes about personal interpretation of that phrase. For me it was always about being the most productive person I could possibly be, but as years went by I started to learn that there's more to it. 

Before the idea of having everything clean and organised was the epitome of "having my life together", it worked for a few years, mostly because I had the extra time to keep a house picture perfect but life started to change and the three hours I had to clean started to get replaced by work and school.

Suddenly the idea I had built in my mind about how my life was supposed to look like disappeared and I was left with something new, something I had to figure out from scratch. It was time for me to adapt and keep moving from what I knew and what I wanted to learn. It was time for a new chapter but boy was I lost. 

So, I did what every sane person would do, I freaked out and stayed in my pile of depression for a while. I became a slave of my own self. I wanted to change nothing, if anything I was so stuck in my old ways that I fought to keep them even if they weren't working. I was in between two completely different parts of my life.

This went on for about a year, I was lost on the person I wanted to keep on being that I couldn't really enjoy life as it was happening. I was miserable and didn't know where to start the change, then my dad's health declined and everything I'd been avoiding started hitting me in the face. Reality stuck in a way it hadn't ever before. 

As I'm writing this, I'm a month away from turning 25, reaching that quarter of life and I figured what better way to quick start this new part of my life that with a series of how and why I'm making those changes in my life. This will be more "personal diaries" so instead of having a set schedule, I'll be writing as inspiration strikes. 

I hope you like it and get inspired to maybe change those little things that bother you and make something good out of them. Who knows, there may be more to it than you are seeing.

Mayte.