It's been a while since I sat down and wrote about my life, I haven't been able to connect with myself in this way for a while and I'm not going to lie, I missed it a lot. It's time to catch up on what my life has been like this week, which isn't as exiting as I make it sound.
My parents and I have been adjusting to the idea of being alone, just the three of us. After months of having a house full of people helping us take care of my grandma, everything seems too quiet, too empty, too lonely. And that adjustment has lead us to a few arguments and I've been aching to go out more, to do more.
Last Sunday I had a work meeting, summer is coming and my favourite job is just around the corner, but one friend was going to fight and my desire to see him was bigger than I could accept. My anxiety was making me second guess my decision and I really thought about dropping the plan all together, but here's the main reason of why "Chef" and I are such great friends, she tells me to get out of my head just when I need it.
It was one of the best days I've had in months, I got the job I wanted, I got to see him fight and I finished the day with my family in such an impromptu reunion that I couldn't have asked for more, it was all I could've asked for. Then something happened and my anxiety skyrocketed to levels I didn't know how to handle.
And that was my Monday and Tuesday about, wanting to learn where my anxiety came from and what I could do to make it better. I felt trapped inside my head and sleeping became a challenge. I never know how to explain why I feel like that after such a high, it started breaking me, suddenly it wasn't about just my anxiety, it was about eating disorders and self image. I was trapped.
I broke down that Wednesday, I called two of my friends crying, saying how scared I was and how much I needed to understand why everything around me was making me feel so weak, so lost. It took about two hours of sappy crying before I could take a breath and see that my fear and my anxiety were taking over something really nice that was going on in my life.
"Stranger" gave me that hour long pep talk and let me take all the pain out, while also managing to make me laugh. It's such a weird balance, but such a lovely friendship that I don't think I'll ever be able to let go. He keeps me focused and with the feet on the ground.
Maybe my week wasn't the best, maybe I have a lot to work on. Maybe even throw less tantrums, but I less now I know where to start and how to take it from here. I hope your week was better than mine, and as always, no matter how bad it is now, remember to keep on dreaming.