I'm venting about this, I need to vent about this to someone that isn't going to judge me on what I've been doing because with recovery I feel like I'm taking three steps forward and five steps back. This month I discovered one of my biggest struggles when it comes to food and eating overall.
Eating alone and having to make myself food is one of the biggest problems I've faced so far.
When it comes time to eat, I zone out, I start working, I scrap it and go to the gym, I look for so many excuses not to eat and not to cook that I end up postponing the whole thing and after a few hours without eating my anxiety kicks in, not my hunger queues, not my headache, pure anxiety of me wanting to eat something immediately.
A great example of this took place a couple of days ago, I was alone, I didn't have breakfast, I didn't want to cook so when I came home I bought something on my way here, the problem is that what I bought wasn't healthy and then I went to the gym, came back and didn't have a second lunch, I waited until dinner.
By 7:30 my anxiety was in full force, I needed to fuel myself, I could tell my glucose was low, I had a headache and I was looking for food. It was one of those episodes I couldn't really control, I was waiting for my parents to get home and was unable to concentrate on the work in front of me.
After eating a full meal I realised that my anxiety wasn't just an episode, I was causing myself to feel like this and the guilt hit me hard. My headache banished, my anxiety melted away and I was able to focus again. My body was asking for fuel and the more I denied it, the more it fought to make me see my mistake.
The next day I woke up with a headache and feeling tired. It isn't normal, I know it isn't, I took my body to that place where it had to send all those signals to make me understand that food is important and fuelling my body correctly is going to make me get to that place I want to be in, in a healthy way, not restraining myself from those foods I love.
Recovery has been an eye opening experience for me lately, I've been seeing the little problems, the things I do to eat, even the way I cut food up. I'm far from being there but I'm also more and more aware of what I can do to get better. It's a struggle but little by little I know I'll be able to get there.