I know what you are thinking, I'm coming and going, leaving things unfinished, my reality is that I'm finding who I am again. It has taken me two months after the loss of my grandma to find an idea of who I want to become, something a lot of people don't understand is that I went from having a lot to do, to having nothing.
It's been years since I've had this kind of freedom and it freaked me a lot, because I had no school, no routine, no structure to hold on to and my world crumbled down, I held to what felt safe and for a month felt crippling anxiety of what would happen if I let go of many of those people that were next to me through all of this.
But something clicked about two weeks ago, something changed in so many ways, something about the way I was acting didn't make sense and suddenly I realised how much I was relying on everyone else just to feel better about myself and to feel more grounded. That's where my anxiety was coming from and unless I started doing my thing, it wasn't going to stop.
For the past four years I've been working on a Summer course and this year is no exception, I'm going in with more fear than the first time. After everything that happened last year, my mind can't shake up that feeling of insecurity and lack of self worth that got me so bad.
Truth is, I'm a different person, so much has happened since that last day, I've done so much for myself and there's so much I would like to focus on instead of focusing on the people that made me so miserable. There's such a different dynamic going on in my life, different people, different feelings and most importantly a different desire to get better.
I don't want to fail the people that have been with me for this past year holding my hand, I want to do better for them. I'm nowhere near recovered, my eating disorder haunts me daily, my anxiety some days can be manageable, some days none existent and some days it can keep me from living a normal life. It's been a hard couple of months but I want to feed this desire to get better no matter what happens.
My plan is to work more, I know I'm choosing the busiest month of my year to do this, but if I can't prove myself that I can't do this, then I'm not going to be able to it in the future. I need a good challenge and taking care of myself is the perfect one for me right now.
Let's make July something we can remember.

It's true, I'm scared of being vulnerable. It's no secret to anyone that comes close to me, I don't warm up to them easily, I don't really like people touching me and most importantly, I've come to hate when people try to hit on me so I built this little bubble where no one can touch me or even come close to my cold little heart.
The people that are close to me have been in my life for over 5 years and even then, the friendship didn't really come right away, it took a lot of chats and warming up to. That little circle of friends know everything about me, from the last time I went out to why my anxiety can be so bad sometimes.
They know about the important things in my life and for so long they were the only part of my life that stayed the same, no one else would come in for more than a month and I was okay with that, not only was I not getting attached, they left without any harm and I was able to live my life more freely.
I never realised I was so closed off until "Editor" pointed it out a few years back, we had such a fall out because of my lack of emotional attachment and I still couldn't bring myself around to saying the words I knew I felt. I care a lot for him and he will always have such a special place in my heart, no matter the amount of fall outs we have.
And it's true, I almost never say how much someone means to me unless I feel like they are having a hard time and need the love or I feel like I'm pushing them away. People would figure out my feelings for them before I even could caught up with them and sometimes that would freak me so much that I would run away.
But lately that fear has been wearing itself down in what may be one of the few healthy relationships I've had in a while. It has bee such an organic change that I didn't realise what was going on until someone else pointed it out. By then it was too late for me to turn around or really do anything differently.
Talking with my friends I realised how much fear still lived in me and how hard it had become for me to say what I felt out loud. For a few weeks I was so afraid of what could happen that I didn't really pay attention to anything around me and then "Stranger " put me back into my place, he told me some of the worlds I'll carry with me forever.
"I'm okay with you being afraid, I'm okay with you feeling like this but I'm never going to let you use fear to get away from something like this. Fear shouldn't control you because if it ends in a month or a year at least you'll know you had the opportunity to live something that was real, he's not like the other ones"

I'm venting about this, I need to vent about this to someone that isn't going to judge me on what I've been doing because with recovery I feel like I'm taking three steps forward and five steps back. This month I discovered one of my biggest struggles when it comes to food and eating overall.
Eating alone and having to make myself food is one of the biggest problems I've faced so far.
When it comes time to eat, I zone out, I start working, I scrap it and go to the gym, I look for so many excuses not to eat and not to cook that I end up postponing the whole thing and after a few hours without eating my anxiety kicks in, not my hunger queues, not my headache, pure anxiety of me wanting to eat something immediately.
A great example of this took place a couple of days ago, I was alone, I didn't have breakfast, I didn't want to cook so when I came home I bought something on my way here, the problem is that what I bought wasn't healthy and then I went to the gym, came back and didn't have a second lunch, I waited until dinner.
By 7:30 my anxiety was in full force, I needed to fuel myself, I could tell my glucose was low, I had a headache and I was looking for food. It was one of those episodes I couldn't really control, I was waiting for my parents to get home and was unable to concentrate on the work in front of me.
After eating a full meal I realised that my anxiety wasn't just an episode, I was causing myself to feel like this and the guilt hit me hard. My headache banished, my anxiety melted away and I was able to focus again. My body was asking for fuel and the more I denied it, the more it fought to make me see my mistake.
The next day I woke up with a headache and feeling tired. It isn't normal, I know it isn't, I took my body to that place where it had to send all those signals to make me understand that food is important and fuelling my body correctly is going to make me get to that place I want to be in, in a healthy way, not restraining myself from those foods I love.
Recovery has been an eye opening experience for me lately, I've been seeing the little problems, the things I do to eat, even the way I cut food up. I'm far from being there but I'm also more and more aware of what I can do to get better. It's a struggle but little by little I know I'll be able to get there.

Reaching balance has always been my main goal, I've always wanted to be able to work, have social life and time for myself. When you think about it, it isn't as easy, you have to juggle all this responsibilities and sometimes it means having to go to bed a little later or having to wake up really early.
For a while I thought I had it all figured out, I was living "my best life", looking back I was just fooling myself, not only was I neglecting my social life, I was also living inside this bubble where nothing changed, I would plan my day, go out, come back and do homework without anything interfering.
Now I have a lot more responsibilities, a lot more plans and an improved look in life. I don't want to be the one that stays home doing homework all day, I don't want to be the one that spends half of her morning at the gym and most certainly I don't want to be the one spending most of her day working. I want to be able to have the best of three worlds.
I'm aware, it sounds like one of those crazy dreams and like something that could break me in the near future. But the more I grow up, the more I realise all the opportunities I lost by staying at home at the peak of my depression. It wasn't my fault, I just wished I would've asked for help sooner, now I know that sometimes we are meant to go through this but I still regret what I didn't do there.
My life right now seems like the biggest mess, my mum seems to be a little worried about my ability to balance everything but I feel in peace with so many aspects of my life that I can't help but think what would happen if I took this effort and worked more on what I want to accomplish. Somehow it feels like the right thing to do.
I'm growing slowly but surely and I'm putting myself out there in so many ways that I didn't expect that I'm almost excited, a little terrified too but that's what comes with it, and one thing I've been learning is that sometimes you need to put yourself out there in order to learn, in order to experience something real, something that's worthy.
I might have a breakdown later, it might not be all as easy as I'm saying, all I have is a bunch of questions and I'm happy with that. Maybe all I needed was a little extra push to be and do better.
We'll see how it goes and we'll see what I figure out about this space because it sure has to evolve with me, we just have to keep on dreaming.

It's been a while since I sat down and wrote about my life, I haven't been able to connect with myself in this way for a while and I'm not going to lie, I missed it a lot. It's time to catch up on what my life has been like this week, which isn't as exiting as I make it sound.
My parents and I have been adjusting to the idea of being alone, just the three of us. After months of having a house full of people helping us take care of my grandma, everything seems too quiet, too empty, too lonely. And that adjustment has lead us to a few arguments and I've been aching to go out more, to do more.
Last Sunday I had a work meeting, summer is coming and my favourite job is just around the corner, but one friend was going to fight and my desire to see him was bigger than I could accept. My anxiety was making me second guess my decision and I really thought about dropping the plan all together, but here's the main reason of why "Chef" and I are such great friends, she tells me to get out of my head just when I need it.
It was one of the best days I've had in months, I got the job I wanted, I got to see him fight and I finished the day with my family in such an impromptu reunion that I couldn't have asked for more, it was all I could've asked for. Then something happened and my anxiety skyrocketed to levels I didn't know how to handle.
And that was my Monday and Tuesday about, wanting to learn where my anxiety came from and what I could do to make it better. I felt trapped inside my head and sleeping became a challenge. I never know how to explain why I feel like that after such a high, it started breaking me, suddenly it wasn't about just my anxiety, it was about eating disorders and self image. I was trapped.
I broke down that Wednesday, I called two of my friends crying, saying how scared I was and how much I needed to understand why everything around me was making me feel so weak, so lost. It took about two hours of sappy crying before I could take a breath and see that my fear and my anxiety were taking over something really nice that was going on in my life.
"Stranger" gave me that hour long pep talk and let me take all the pain out, while also managing to make me laugh. It's such a weird balance, but such a lovely friendship that I don't think I'll ever be able to let go. He keeps me focused and with the feet on the ground.
Maybe my week wasn't the best, maybe I have a lot to work on. Maybe even throw less tantrums, but I less now I know where to start and how to take it from here. I hope your week was better than mine, and as always, no matter how bad it is now, remember to keep on dreaming.

Reading become a passion of mine when I needed an escape, little by little it became something I loved and a part of my daily routine, then when life got hard I dropped it entirely. I stopped reading and didn't really thought about picking it up again until about two months ago. It helps my creativity in ways no one understands unless they do it too.
That's why this month I'm pushing me to do it again, but instead of setting myself for failure, I'm going to go back to some of my favourites that got recently published and can get you into the mood of reading. Let's hope June lights a fire that doesn't stop burning.

We are half way through the year and it's starting to weight on us, I can feel that anxiety start to build up inside me and it's because I know I have been sailing through, I haven't gone out of my comfort zone and I'm starting to feel icky about my life and the way I've been living it. It's time to change a few things and maybe something great will come out of it.

• Read at least 4 new books. I've read maybe three books in the past three months and I miss spending my time with a good book and a cup of coffee on my hand. It helped me free my mind and it was a good habit to keep up with. 
• Write more. It's something I will always strike for, writing helps me take ideas out of my head and it was something that saved me a long time ago, it's my time to take it back and find my release again. 
• Design something new. Most people know that my dad forced me to go to many design courses growing up and I always loved it but let it get away from me growing up. It takes me more than it should but I really enjoy creating something new. 
• Work out more. This is about mental health, it helps release stress, makes me feel more in control of my body and as long as I learn not to over work myself, it also helps ED recovery and BD. It's been a month of light training and I'm starting to feel better.
• Spend more time with my friends, I haven't seen many of them in months, not even "Chef" and I really miss those long afternoons talking about everything that's been going on in our lives.
• Eat green and more colourful. I'm still struggling with food, a lot, but know I'm challenging myself a lot more too, I feel the need to not let anyone down. It's been getting easier and more natural, maybe if I keep going for that extra bite, I'll stop feeling as guilty. 
• Be more organised, I let that slip way too often and I can go from having the neatest room in the house to having a week old sandwich under my bed in the blink of an eye. The more I do it, the less time it's going to take. 

Dreams should feed you, dreams should guide you when you feel lost, dreams are what drives you to the end goal. Sometimes when times are tough we tend to forget about that ability we have to dream, to work towards those dreams and make them a reality because it's easier to run away from them an live the same old life.
It has taken me two months to try to figure out what to do next, losing my grandma made me realise how much of myself I had lost in those months and how much I wanted to grow, to be better and to gain back some of my confidence so the start of the new month gives me the perfect opportunity to start fresh and do as much as I want to. It's time for a new wish list.

• Start a journal, recently I've found myself keeping too much to myself and even when my therapist has recommended writing one I never got around to doing it. 
• Start working on a passion project, I have a lot of them, I've lost a lot of opportunities but I feel like this is my moment to go back to those dreams and think about what I can do now and put the effort.
• Do some work that feels your soul, I really want to fix one bird house I bought a year ago, paint it, make it look like my vision and put it outside my room. 
• Paint more, I used to love it growing up, then the growing pains began and I left it, I'm starting with water colours and working my way from there, maybe I'll find my passion again or I'll work on the mural I want on one of my walls. 
• Go to new places, gain back my ability to take pictures and not judge them too hard, it's something that you should never push because it will break your passion and your ability to be creative with it. 
• Do something outside the box, I miss those crazy days and I'm sure at some point I'm going to wake up wanting to do an impromptu trip just to have breakfast somewhere new. I don't want to hold back anymore. 

Here's something that has been going on and on in my head for the last few days, what if nothing I do is good enough? What if I end up letting everyone down What if those dreams I want to fulfil don't take me to the promised land? Failing has always been one of my biggest fears and now it's more present than ever.
I've let this emotional roller coaster control me and dictate what I do, so instead of working on what I should work on, I spend days feeling anxious, drained and like there's nothing I'm going to be able to do to succeed in life. I feel defeated and the only one to blame is myself.
I've preached for years that not only had I've been working on controlling my anxiety and learning to separate those anxious feelings from myself, but also I've been working on not letting those compulsive behaviours control me and the way I handle my daily life, but now that I'm able to shine a different light on it, I can see that I was able to control them because I was living a more controlled life.
Truth is, right now I found someone that's challenging me in more ways than he should, he's the first person to say what everyone thinks, to call me out in my shit, to give me the support I didn't know I needed. He took me out of my emotional comfort zone and made me realise that I kept myself inside this little bubble and everything looked perfect from there.
He made me see that maybe I am a little bit broken, but there's so much I could do to get better that the only way to get to that place, is to work on it, to put all I can into those goals and make them happen. I'm still working on that, I don't think I can burst my bubble just yet, but at least now I'm working on taking those baby steps to see where all of this comes from.
A part of me wishes that I could say that I'm better, because that's what we all want to reach for, that's the end goal, but I'm not better, maybe feeling a little bit more positive, maybe a little bit less flustered but my recovery has been going slower than I thought and sometimes that's the one thing that will bring me down after a good day.
I'm scared of failing everyone that has believed in me and saying it out, even when it makes it feel more real, it also makes me realise that no one should hide how they feel just for the sake of showing this perfect image of themselves. It's better to show the work you put on yourself, than to give that faux image.

It's been a while, and I want to say I have excuses, but I don't. Ever since I managed to get some free time I've been spending it at home, thinking about everything that happened in the past five months and how it has affected me, thinking about the person I want to become and what I should do in the next months.
Reflecting is something I used to do all the time, but stopped maybe a year ago, saying that I didn't have enough time to do it, using everything as an excuse because I wasn't happy with myself, I was so lost that I was afraid of what I was going to find if I were to dig deep into the mess I was calling my life.
Then, when my grandma died, I started feeling pain again, something I kept myself from feeling for a long while, every problem I would have would be minimised by my responsibilities, by what everyone else would say and little by little I started to become cold and someone I couldn't recognise. Very few people would be able to see this snippets of me when something would break me.
Emotional pain is something I've hid myself from feeling because I never know how to treat it, how to get over something like that, but this time, I was forced to feel and let it out, because if I didn't, I knew I would be setting myself to become a cold, lonely person and that's something I would never want to become.
So, for the next month and a half I focused on how I felt, pressure built up inside me and there were days in which I forced myself to cry just to let some of that pain out. It's been a tough process going from trying to feel the less possible to wanting to be more open with my friends and family about my struggles and emotions.
Now I cry when I feel overwhelmed or try to talk with someone when I feel like something is too much to take in. I'm nowhere near to the place I want to be and I know this is just the beginning, there are so many unfinished business that I've kept to myself that I would love to fix or to let go off to be able to move on.
It's a new page and there are so many things I feel like I need to get done, but I'm not going to push myself into doing everything all at once, I'm going to take as many baby steps as I need and really focus on what feels good and makes me happy, it's time to do something for myself.