The big enemy in the picture isn't it? For the past two months I've been forcing myself to not focus on food or recovery in general, I didn't have the energy, I didn't have the strength to talk about a subject that can cause me so much pain in this small amount of time, but now it's March and as much as I hate to accept it, my eating behaviours haven't improved.
The obvious question here is "why?", my question is "how?", how have I been able to avoid eating? how have I neglected my health so much even when people are watching? how did I get so good at this?
I wish I had the answers, it would make my life a whole lot easier, but unfortunately I don't and don't think I would ever get them if I keep on justifying this type of behaviour. The more I think about, the more I realise that it's come to a point in which life can change a lot for me if I don't start acting up now.
The other day I was with a friend, we shall call him "cher", we were eating and I focused so much on the chat we were having that I barely ate, it was such a small portion that everyone else would have been surprised. He knows what's been going on and didn't pressure me but I felt guilty for not being able to have a healthy eating habit.
It's true that I don't open up about this a lot but when I do talk about it, it's often with people that knew me before this happened or that notice something in me. I've learned that this goes one of two ways, they either try to make me eat right there and then or praise the way I look and any other assets they can think of in the spot.
I know where I want to move on from this, the goal will always be to fully recover and have a good relationship with food, but I know this isn't going to be instant, it's something I'm going to need to work on and I will have relapses. The main change I see in me now is the way I'm handling, I've been more open about needing help to stay on track and I don't regret it.
This is an update to where I am, as you can see, I'm no where close to where I wanted to be a few months back, but I've indeed managed to gain weight back and find a way to make me eat at least three meals a day, while trying to listen to my hunger queues. It's hard and I know I can work my way around a meal while tricking everyone else into thinking I've been eating, but this conscious effort has made a difference.
I will get better, this is a promise I've made myself and everyone else around me. Working on myself is my main goal for the month and right now I don't care about the bumps, I care about getting to that promised destination.