My life was good for the next year or so, I became so diligent with everything that I was doing that there wasn't a day I wouldn't study, workout or do yoga. It was a part of my routine I loved and made me so happy that I dedicated most of my day to it. Nothing else mattered.
But life happens and I started to lose that discipline, I didn't pay attention to many things and started to relax a lot more. I spiralled down and I didn't care to even hold on to something. It all came apart and I only realised once it was too late.
The anxiety came back and with it my long time forgotten eating disorder, because yes, I developed an eating disorder during high school. I stopped eating for months and then I developed a binge eating disorder. Both of which where under control and my diet was balanced and my weight under control, until then.
Once you start to lose control over everything, your mind tries to hold on to anything and for me that one thing was food. Counting calories and overworking myself became my way of dealing with my anxiety. I became a prisoner of my own mind once again and I couldn't see it, I didn't recognise the signs until I started feeling the effect of my neglect.
That's why for the past seven months I've been trying to work on myself and nothing else, but life happens and sometimes you forget that there's much more than what you are seeing now. My grandma got sick, she's 95 years old and needs a lot of help. Between my time working, studying and spending time with her, I started to put myself last and all the progress I'd made in the past months was put on hold.
She's getting better, my semester is coming to an end and I'm starting to get this itch back, I want to get better, I don't want to eat to feel better or not eat to feel in control. I want to eat to feed my body, to be able to train the way I want to. I need to stop being afraid of going outside or getting nervous when someone gets close to me.
I know I'm asking for a lot for I know I can get there, it takes time and a lot of work. This is just a setback, one I'll get through and I'll be able to make things better, not just for me but for everyone around me. I don't feel like being burden anymore. It's time to go back and work on myself once again.

I think a lot, we all know that, but most of the time I don't really say a lot, I take everything and keep it until everything becomes too much, that's when I explode and become a mess. Right now, I'm nearing that place quite quickly, when I accepted this job, I didn't really know what I was getting myself into.
And now there's a lot I want to talk about but don't know where to start or how to continue, I feel like this blog has been so neglected and like I need to reintroduce me and explain how my life is going and what I'm doing right now. Maybe with that we can start fresh?
When I first started this space, I was in a really dark place. I was understanding what anxiety meant and dealing with depression, leaving my house was something I couldn't really do much but when it did happen, I was miserable, I couldn't bare to have anyone come near me without freaking out.
Going to school became hard and something I would avoid if I had the chance. My days where spent in bed, taking naps, eating my anxiety away or simply doing nothing. Therapy wasn't really helping me and the suicide thoughts creeped back in.
It all became too much, my mere existence became something I couldn't really handle and the only exit I could see was killing myself, letting go of everything and maybe taking one weight off of everyone else's shoulders. I'm glad someone saved me before it was too late, that someone gave me a second chance I didn't know I wanted until later.
It took months for me to come to terms, to understand why it was so important for me to take a real step towards recovery. I changed therapist and found someone that listened to what I was saying and made suggestions I could really get on board with like staring a blog, like spending time by myself, like trying to embrace who I really was.
That's when the real change started, I found in yoga and healthy eating a new joy. It gave me all I wanted, all I needed and for the next two years I started trying new things, finding new hobbies, going out more and dedicating at least two hours a day to myself, either working out, reading or going on a walk by myself.
My life turned around and I found myself feeling like I could really do this, I could see the end of the tunnel and I wasn't scared of the future or anything that may come with it.

I once read that the moment you become your job, you start to lose your creativity, you become someone you swore you'd never be. This week I feel like that, I can sense how I'm starting to lose a little bit of myself and my life is starting to revolve around my office, instead of the other way around.
Let me start by saying that this job is temporary, I won't be there more than a few months. I knew that going in, yesterday I found out that I might be overstaying this job. I was supposed to be done by April but as things are going, I may have to stay until the middle of April or even May.
Don't get me wrong, I love everything that I've been doing, the extra money has been amazing and I've been learning quite a bit. I still have time to do my school work and sometimes even hang out with some of my friends, which let's be honest, doesn't happen often. But I miss my freedom, being a full time student gives me enough time to even take naps and now I'm lucky if I can work out in the evening.
Knowing that I may have to spend an extra month there was quite the hit, I wasn't expecting it and my boss isn't happy either. Being an assistant isn't my ideal job even when I do enjoy it a lot, it's the perfect escape to my obsessive behaviour and I have a lot of free time during my time in there.
I think that the main problem is that I'm trying to juggle everything and I haven't been able to have some time for myself. Everyday there's someone in my home, taking care of my grandma, doing school work, writing or even going out. I haven't had the time to do what I do, what I love and not get distracted by something, someone else needs.
Going in I had this perfect plan of how everything was going to go, I was going to be so organised and post almost every single day, but now I know that if I was ever going to do that, I would be exhausted all the time and if anything, I prefer to have a good night of sleep and work couple of hours on a Saturday than have a bad night every single week day. I can't work like that.
While I do think that I've been slacking, I also know that I'm in a place in which I can say that even when I don't have time to do everything I've been working out at least three days a week, eating home at least 4 days a week, sleeping 7+ hours at night and spending enough time with my family for me to feel happy.
My grandma has been getting better too, it's one of those things that I know can bring me down quite quickly, but seeing her calm and in good spirits changes all the energy at home. She's about to turn 95 and even when it's bitter sweet, I can't help but feel hopeful about her and the next days, months or years. People recommend thanatology but I can't go that rute yet, even thinking about it makes tear up.
I feel like there's so much to say about all that's been going on but this is long enough for now and we will be catching up in the next few days, once I find my rhythm or I force myself again, who knows, only time will tell. There's so much more to do and so little time.

There's a difference between good criticism and bad criticism, we all know it, but lately people don't seem to really recognise the difference between the two and have been really outspoken about the aspects about my life they don't agree with. Not because I have a wild lifestyle, just because it doesn't sit well with them.
The main reason for me to talk about this is my boss, my new and neurotic boss. I've been an assistant twice now, I get what I have to do, I know what I should always avoid and what I have to face no matter what. The problem here is that my neurotic boss, who we shall call "Manic", really wants to immerse himself into my personal life.
Everyone knows, unless you are close to me, I won't talk about my dates or friendships, I don't find it necessary and, in some of my friends' words "makes me look like a prude" which isn't a bad thing, but it isn't really my character.
This behaviour goes back to how I was raised, I was always told by my parents to recognise with who I could talk about certain topics, to be more guarded and really separate my personal life and my profesional life. A knowledge I've taken to the next level, separating my personal life from my family and work. Unless I feel like it's someone close to me and worthy, I won't talk about it.
So when my boss decided it was okay to talk about my personal even when I was certainly uncomfortable and give his opinion, telling me I give this vibe, like I'm lonely, something moved inside me. The question resonated so much with me that I questioned myself all day, thinking that maybe he was right.
It came to the point in which I had to ask someone, I couldn't keep it to myself so I asked "Cheri" and everyone I could reach really. Their answer is what you would have expected a big no accompanied by a "if it's taking so much energy out of you, maybe you need to think about it". They are right, I was overthinking something I thought I'd come of off.
Criticism gets to you in the weirdest ways, sometimes it's going to come out of nowhere at a time when you feel vulnerable, it's going to get to you, but you can learn from it and move on from there. This is one of those escenarios in which you've gotta remember who you are and let people's opinion slip by.

The big enemy in the picture isn't it? For the past two months I've been forcing myself to not focus on food or recovery in general, I didn't have the energy, I didn't have the strength to talk about a subject that can cause me so much pain in this small amount of time, but now it's March and as much as I hate to accept it, my eating behaviours haven't improved.
The obvious question here is "why?", my question is "how?", how have I been able to avoid eating? how have I neglected my health so much even when people are watching? how did I get so good at this?
I wish I had the answers, it would make my life a whole lot easier, but unfortunately I don't and don't think I would ever get them if I keep on justifying this type of behaviour. The more I think about, the more I realise that it's come to a point in which life can change a lot for me if I don't start acting up now.
The other day I was with a friend, we shall call him "cher", we were eating and I focused so much on the chat we were having that I barely ate, it was such a small portion that everyone else would have been surprised. He knows what's been going on and didn't pressure me but I felt guilty for not being able to have a healthy eating habit.
It's true that I don't open up about this a lot but when I do talk about it, it's often with people that knew me before this happened or that notice something in me. I've learned that this goes one of two ways, they either try to make me eat right there and then or praise the way I look and any other assets they can think of in the spot.
I know where I want to move on from this, the goal will always be to fully recover and have a good relationship with food, but I know this isn't going to be instant, it's something I'm going to need to work on and I will have relapses. The main change I see in me now is the way I'm handling, I've been more open about needing help to stay on track and I don't regret it.
This is an update to where I am, as you can see, I'm no where close to where I wanted to be a few months back, but I've indeed managed to gain weight back and find a way to make me eat at least three meals a day, while trying to listen to my hunger queues. It's hard and I know I can work my way around a meal while tricking everyone else into thinking I've been eating, but this conscious effort has made a difference.
I will get better, this is a promise I've made myself and everyone else around me. Working on myself is my main goal for the month and right now I don't care about the bumps, I care about getting to that promised destination.

March is here and the year seems to be flying by, it's time to spend more time doing what we love and feel like we are actually doing something for ourselves. This month is all about catching up with our reading and sharing more books that I've loved in the past 6 months.