Lately I've been gaining attention for my looks, for my slimming body and to be honest, it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would when I started working out again. It made me feel cheap, worthless once again. It feels like they are valuing me for how tiny my waist is and not for how smart I am.
Around February-March I was at my smallest in a long time, my body was tight, my legs were toning up and my tummy was tiny and in control. I was confident like this, at least for myself, I could wear long lose shirts without problem, but tight clothing also looked great on me. The new found confidence was amazing.
Then my body changed because my workouts weren't as regular as before, I gained a little back, I felt horrible. I was able to feel each pound in myself dragging me down, the extra weight was taking every ounce of strength in me and I felt helpless, lost.
But others couldn't see that, because they still saw this beautiful woman walking around, making the most of everything and flaunting her assets without hesitation. In reality I was dying inside, feeling like no piece of clothing was good on me and no pieces of clothing weren't an option.
This is were it goes back to that friend I lost in April. After the news were broken to me, my mind went into a hiatus, I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even talk without shaking. I lost weight because of the stress, I wasn't happy about it, I didn't feel confident.
For the next month and a half my weight went up and down for the most part, some days would be worst than others and by the beginning of the summer I was up once again. Seeing how bad I was, I made bad decisions, I gained everything back for the sake of it, proving to myself once again that I couldn't be trusted. 
Right now I'm starting to get to a state in which I feel uncomfortable once again, I can feel myself getting smaller, losing muscle and feeling watched. I wish I could scream at everyone when they compliment me, but I can't, it isn't their fault. The problem is inside me.
I know where my centre is, I just need to connect with it, eat better and intuitively, workout when I feel energised and most importantly, remember that my body should be a temple and taking care of it is essential. I only get one, I just wish it was easier.