I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, thinking about what I want to do next, whether or not I belong in the place where I am right now and most importantly, whether or nor I'm giving enough value to the things I do and the person I am.
My story isn't easy to tell, I suffered from eating disorders, tried to take my life many times, my anxiety can control my life from time to time and I'm prone to suffer from depression. I used to smoke and drink quite regularly in high school and lost many opportunities because of that.
One day about 4 years ago I decided that it was up to me whether or not I was going to move on and learn more about who I am and what I had or I was going to sink and probably cause myself scars that not even time can heal.
That's when I started writing again, it had always been a passion of mine, but then it became a therapy. This is the only place in which I can sit down with a cup of tea and take all of my words out without feeling judged, thinking that maybe some of my mistakes can help others.
But better days are not forever days and in the past two years I've been struggling again with anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts. Being me, I became secluded in the idea of having all of the control over the situation, of not seeking help.
The hard reality is that it didn't get better, if anything the episodes of anxiety I've been having have been the worse I've had in two years. This doesn't mean I haven't been happy, I have, there are many memories I've made that I'll carry in my heart forever but the bad has certainly been outweighing the good.
After this months, today something clicked, I need to do something different. I need to go back to my basics, know who I am, where I come from and learn what makes me happy, what I can do well enough. I need to reconnect with myself, my spirit and know who I truly am, because I'm not the same I was when I was 20 and a lot has happened since then.
I want to take the rest of the year to reconfigurate and learn about myself. I've dedicated three years to other people and now it's time to do it for myself. Even when it feels like I'm being selfish.