I feel like every month I like to point out how emotional and physically exhausting the month was, but that has become a reality of mine. If I were to tell you today how I feel, I would say terrible, sad, unmotivated and a little bit out of myself.
I've been working a lot lately, from 5:30 till 9:00 and I'm starting to burn out, my body is starting to give up and even when I try to give this cheery outside, I'm finding it really hard to stay true to myself and let my emotions shine through.
I thought about quitting this job many times, funny enough this was my dream job a few years back and suddenly this year everything seems to be out of place, everything seems misplaced and even when there have been really amazing moments there, I feel like unless I say goodbye now, I'll get hurt.
I've been dealing with a lot of jealousy, lots of bad things and I haven't been taking care of myself. My anxiety has been relatively at ease but my eating habits have gone to shit and what worries me the most is going back to a dark place in which food isn't essential just because I want to fit in. It's been years since I've heard that little voice and I hate that it's back.
I've been in the mindset that I won't let any of this take over, because I've been happy, I've laughed harder than ever since I lost her, I've been genuinely happy but I can't seem to be able to separate the two of them, take my anxiety as one and my happiness as another.
Writing this is making me emotional, I haven't talked about this with anyone, maybe out of fear, maybe out of lack of time. I've been amazing at finding excuses to not do what would be best for me. I know I need to go to therapy, I need to find a place in which I feel comfortable enough but I don't remember how to get there.
That's the main reason of why I want to reconfigurate my life, go back to basics, to a place in which not only am I going to feel safe but I'm going to be able to work my life out again. I may be just as scary as starting from scratch. No more short cuts, it's time to connect with the person I love, I just have to find her again.

It has become a habit of mine, obsessive cleaning and organising until I know that nothing is out of place, a part of me thinks is because it's going to be the only way for my mind to focus on the tasks that I have in front of me, but recently I've discovered that the reality is different.
Most of the time when I dedicate myself to clean a room is because whatever I could'd in my mind is disturbing me. A great example is my life right now, I've been trying to work on a project to enter my masters but instead I have been cleaning and organising like crazy to keep my mind of off the project, moving deadlines and sending extension emails with bad excuses.
And then there's the other side of my organising addiction. I cannot function unless I know that everything is where it's supposed to be. If I can't find it, then I can't work on that one thing, so most of the time I'm going to deviate my attention from this one important thing to take care of this one little thing.
The more anxious I get, the more disorganised I am and the more I want to clean. It becomes a vicious circle I'm unable to escape unless I'm on top of everything I do on my day to day.
This is one of those things I've been trying to work the most on for the past year or so, trying to not obsess over having control over every single aspect of my life but it has proved to be almost imposible unless my mind is in the place of total ease and nothing can bother me.
Today I've managed to spend two days cleaning every surface I could see and it still doesn't feel right, maybe because I know I'm not as ahead on work as I'm used to, maybe it's because I know that work is pilling up on me and unless I manage to catch up on the next 5 hours I have there, it's going to keep on growing and I'll end up having another known panic attack.
This is why I need to reconfigurate, I need to learn to let go of the things I shouldn't be worrying about, because no one really cares is my bed was made this morning other than myself. I'll start somewhere I know I will, I just need to figure out where.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, thinking about what I want to do next, whether or not I belong in the place where I am right now and most importantly, whether or nor I'm giving enough value to the things I do and the person I am.
My story isn't easy to tell, I suffered from eating disorders, tried to take my life many times, my anxiety can control my life from time to time and I'm prone to suffer from depression. I used to smoke and drink quite regularly in high school and lost many opportunities because of that.
One day about 4 years ago I decided that it was up to me whether or not I was going to move on and learn more about who I am and what I had or I was going to sink and probably cause myself scars that not even time can heal.
That's when I started writing again, it had always been a passion of mine, but then it became a therapy. This is the only place in which I can sit down with a cup of tea and take all of my words out without feeling judged, thinking that maybe some of my mistakes can help others.
But better days are not forever days and in the past two years I've been struggling again with anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts. Being me, I became secluded in the idea of having all of the control over the situation, of not seeking help.
The hard reality is that it didn't get better, if anything the episodes of anxiety I've been having have been the worse I've had in two years. This doesn't mean I haven't been happy, I have, there are many memories I've made that I'll carry in my heart forever but the bad has certainly been outweighing the good.
After this months, today something clicked, I need to do something different. I need to go back to my basics, know who I am, where I come from and learn what makes me happy, what I can do well enough. I need to reconnect with myself, my spirit and know who I truly am, because I'm not the same I was when I was 20 and a lot has happened since then.
I want to take the rest of the year to reconfigurate and learn about myself. I've dedicated three years to other people and now it's time to do it for myself. Even when it feels like I'm being selfish.

Lately I've been gaining attention for my looks, for my slimming body and to be honest, it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would when I started working out again. It made me feel cheap, worthless once again. It feels like they are valuing me for how tiny my waist is and not for how smart I am.
Around February-March I was at my smallest in a long time, my body was tight, my legs were toning up and my tummy was tiny and in control. I was confident like this, at least for myself, I could wear long lose shirts without problem, but tight clothing also looked great on me. The new found confidence was amazing.
Then my body changed because my workouts weren't as regular as before, I gained a little back, I felt horrible. I was able to feel each pound in myself dragging me down, the extra weight was taking every ounce of strength in me and I felt helpless, lost.
But others couldn't see that, because they still saw this beautiful woman walking around, making the most of everything and flaunting her assets without hesitation. In reality I was dying inside, feeling like no piece of clothing was good on me and no pieces of clothing weren't an option.
This is were it goes back to that friend I lost in April. After the news were broken to me, my mind went into a hiatus, I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even talk without shaking. I lost weight because of the stress, I wasn't happy about it, I didn't feel confident.
For the next month and a half my weight went up and down for the most part, some days would be worst than others and by the beginning of the summer I was up once again. Seeing how bad I was, I made bad decisions, I gained everything back for the sake of it, proving to myself once again that I couldn't be trusted. 
Right now I'm starting to get to a state in which I feel uncomfortable once again, I can feel myself getting smaller, losing muscle and feeling watched. I wish I could scream at everyone when they compliment me, but I can't, it isn't their fault. The problem is inside me.
I know where my centre is, I just need to connect with it, eat better and intuitively, workout when I feel energised and most importantly, remember that my body should be a temple and taking care of it is essential. I only get one, I just wish it was easier.

We've been here before, not everything seems like the last time, each piece of confidence I had, has been destroyed once again and it's time to start again, to get rid of the stigmas and the pain, but where to start when everything so out of place?
It all started again when she left, when she disappeared without warning, it was a test I wasn't ready to conquer but I didn't have the time to question myself, everything fell and those news ripped apart the confidence and the love I had worked for four years to gain back.
Therefore here we are again, here are the insecurities back at it's finest, here is the pain, here is the low self-esteem and lack of love back again.
I knew it was back before it was at full force, my body didn't seemed tight enough, my jeans were "too tight" again and my reflection became the most dreadful thing in the world. I couldn't see what everyone was seeing, I couldn't see the light in my eyes anymore. I was slowly letting the pain win.
The physique checkups began again in mirrors, in windows, in every place I could see a reflection of myself.
How am I supposed to overcome something that I don't know how it began? All I know is that for many years now I've been having an evil battle with my body, with how I look and the way clothes fit me. Not being skinny became my biggest insecurity and for many years I didn't realise I had value or was worth love.
It became a vicious circle, wanting to workout, wanting to slim up and nothing being good enough. I wasn't happy in my skin or any clothes. Every effort backlashed at me and each time I would end up with a lot more insecurities than before.
It's true what they say, your biggest battle is with yourself and in this case, I don't know if I'll ever win, or if something positive will ever come from this, I know that so far I've been able to eat better, have a better life than before, without any vices but I also know that in times like this, I don't know how to deal with me, with my insecurities and the monsters that come with it.
Even when I don't weight myself, even when I stopped measuring I know I'm not confident about my size, my weight, my proportions. It takes time to heal, it takes time to learn and I swear I'll keep on trying.

• Workout 3 days a week 
• Do yoga at least three days a week
• Meditate 5 days a week
• Go for a walk/run once a week
• Spend time by myself 
• Write and read more
• Eat healthy

We've come through the main pain of last month but what about everything else? What about all of the little things that pilled up and made my head spin? There's more to the story than what we see and this time I felt like I wasn't strong enough for it.
I've been very outspoken with my family's situation for a long time, my grandma suffers demencia, a mental illness that has no cure, it''s one of those things that they have to live with and no matter how far medicine has come, there's no way of treating the ageing of the mind.
I've been losing little by little the person I grew up with, I've seen her forget the day, lose mobility and suffer from mood changes, all at once. The deterioration of her mind has been going faster than anticipated and that can really cause all the people involved a lot of stress, joined to that is the fact that she suffer from anxiety, anything can set it off and she can even have panic attacks over the little things.
June was hard for both of us, me dealing with everything and her having her anxiety levels high up. The more I thought about it, the more it became apparent that you can only do so much for someone in her condition and I finally understood why everyone told me to also do my thing, to not centre my life around one thing. As much as it hurts I have to keep going, doing my own thing, without leaving her alone.
Half way through the month someone sent me a sign of good luck and all of my worries around her banished, at least for a month. They took a weight of off my shoulders and I could even see her relax of everything that had been going on. Changes are good and making the right decision was hard this time.
As I said before, all of this has been the tip of the iceberg, there has been so much going on but there are certain topics I would want to touch on and go more into detail because my anxiety has been coming and going a lot, my relationship with food has faced a slump once again and even in my work environment I've been having trouble settling in.
I want to share this stories to let you know that you are not alone, if you are going through something similar, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and you should always fight to get there, it will all be worthy at the end. Remember to keep on dreaming.

Beau Winston is the definition of accommodating, he's the nice one of the Winston Brothers, at least most of the time. Now that his brother Duane is leaving town and the new mechanic arrives he may meet his match, for good or bad.
Shelly Sullivan is new in town, being a woman and a mechanic may not match but that doesn't mean she's going to give up what she's good at. The truth is that there's much more to her that what the eyes meet, it's time for Beau to choose whether to wait and see or move on with his live.
What I liked:

• Talking about mental illness is hard and Penny Reid decided to talk in something people don't talk about enough, OCD. Shelly suffers from severe OCD and shares her struggles with the reader, there's more to her than just rudeness.
• The way they unveiled Beau's true feelings about Shelly and everyone else's relationship with him. He's a people's pleaser and gives so much to the point in which his integrity may be compromised, he's about to learn how to be there for himself. 
• The plot was filled with up and downs, and I get why for certain people seemed boring and lacking chemistry, but they needed to go slow and move along the lines that Shelly could move along of.