Why does a place that felt safe back then, now feels scary and almost dangerous? When did I came to hate this place so much? All of this questions run through my head as I reach my seat, that seat that I proclaimed as mine since day one. 

I remember how it was when we started, everyone was nervous, no one knew everyone and her words rounded my head "You can be whoever you want, they don't know you", she was right when she said that, you can come and be whoever you want, but that day I decided to be myself and nobody else. 

As the days moved and they course evolved, everyone started to trust more and more on others, they started to become friends and deep down I knew I wanted that, but I also knew how dangerous all of that was, because even though they wouldn't get to know that much about me, they could still hurt me.

I found my spot, people I could talk with or even hang out, people that accepted me and even though I was a little uncomfortable, I thought it was all part of that process and it wasn't until I saw her again that I remember the rest of her words "You don't need to fit in, you need to find people you feel comfortable with and enjoy their company"

So I realised what was causing me all of my problems, making my insecurities come back, it was not the course, the new classes nor the stress, it was them and the way the wanted to break my walls and make me weaker, it was the way I didn't wanted to be around them, but felt drowned because of the thing they said. 

I was uncomfortable with the whole situation, yet I was lying to myself, I wanted to fit in, I wanted it more than anything, but I wasn't able to do it because deep down I just wanted to be me. I didn't wanted to go back to be the bitch I become while trying to fit in, I wanted to be Mayte, the person I love and care about the most. 

If you read my week review from two weeks ago, you might have read about a lot of drama and childish comments I've been getting from classmates, last week I decided to drop out of the class and just keep moving, because I was not comfortable, I found myself feeling lost and anxious, something that hasn't happened in a while. For some this may seem like an overreaction, but I'm doing this for myself, to feel better and be better, I was coming to terms with myself before all of this happened and now I feel like all of that progress went to sh*t because of harmful comments. I confronted the problem, but I needed that time to work in myself and come back better than ever, I'm not leaving any of this hanging, I'm just taking a timeout from all of those things I don't need in my life right now.