Love is weird. If anyone were to ask me what's the biggest lesson I've learned this whole year, that would be it. There's nothing that can prepare you to feel like this, there's no way to describe it because it's different for each one of us and it may be one of the feelings I've feared the most growing up.
I'm lucky, my parents were always their ideal counterpart, while my mum is opinionated and will always see the bad side of a situation, my dad is always upbeat, chill and willing to hear people out before forming an opinion on what other people are like. They never came apart, if anything adversity made them grow more as a couple.
But that was them, for me, love wasn't meant to last and after a few disappointments with people, I closed myself to the idea of "true" love. It was a waste of precious time I would rather spend with my friends, family or work. In my mind, there was no way I was going to grow up to find a counterpart.
There was this guy in high school, you could tell there were a lot of guys in high school, but this one in particular was an important one in my life, he swept me off of my feet just as we meet and I saw him as the guy to go out with, no commitment, just sex. Because even at 16 years old I knew, this wasn't my way to do stuff.
One day, when I was sick or recovering from an eating disorder, he took my ice cream from me, knowing well that it had been my only meal of the day. He stood up and told me to buy something else, real food, I brushed him off. Why was I going to listen to this guy that knew just what I wanted him to know about me?
From his lips slipped "I do this because I love you". I froze, not a single word came out of me in a long time, suddenly I was faced with my worse fear, loosing something because of my incapability to commit. Things didn't end well, this would begin a rather childish "breakup" that would go on for months.
You could guess, this wasn't the last time something like this would happen. It'd go on for 7 years with me going through phases of deep self hatred. When someone would ask what the problem was, I would always say that time was a precious thing that I would rather spend working, doing something else rather than cuddling in a bed.
Life proofed me wrong, because as much as I know I have the love of my friends and family, I think I found someone that makes me go crazy in a good way, he tightens my screws every once in a while and has pushed me outside my little bubble. He may be my twin flame. For now all I know is that it works and I'm willing to live it one day at a time.