I reached my breaking point about five weeks ago, I decided that maybe doing what everyone thinks I should be doing was harming me more than it was doing any good, I went through full transitions and then my grandma passed away.
She was my partner, the one person I would see everyday and now that she's gone there's such a big empty space and it's making me feel like I'm lost, like I don't know what else to do with my life, I feel tied to her memory and even when I'm consciously trying to get better, to work on myself, her memory brings me down and it has taken me a month to figure out what I should do with this pain.
May has been about myself and nothing else, there hasn't been any other priority in my life and that has meant pushing people away, spending more time by myself, doing what I know does me best, like working out, cooking (my attempt at it at least) and listening to my mind and body. If it doesn't feel good then I'll avoid it.
It's been a week, a short, semi successful week in which I started to relearn a lot about myself and how I work better. Meaning I learned that managing my time is where I certainly have a lot to learn from, but I also learned that even if it's just 30 min, going to the gym helps me free my mind in a way I didn't remember it could.
I also learned that coffee withdraw is real and feeling like shit for two or three days is worthy in the long run as long as I put the effort into it. I've maintained a healthy-ish diet and been drinking more water than I thought I could drink.
It's been an eye opening process and one I'll be thrilled to share as the month goes by. It's true that it has taken me more time than I expected to start working on this but I won't push it, writing is fun for me and the more I think about it as work, the worse it goes, so I'll follow my inspiration and do what feels best, even if that means missing a few days.
It's time for a new journey to start.
Mayte.
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