I stand by what I said, I'm ready to make some changes in my life. It's been really weird lately, losing her was something I thought I was preparing myself for a few months back, but now that I've gone through it, it's been a completely different experience to what I expected.
I feel lost in my thoughts, I miss her and the habit of finding her home is taking the best of me. Everyday I come home hoping to see her in the same spot as always, feeling better, but she's not here and she won't come back. Living like this isn't an option, it's like I'm setting myself for failure and the last thing I promised her was to be strong and do all of the things I always wanted to do.
There are so many things I stopped doing out of tiredness, laziness and lack of time, like writing, this was the one thing that brought me back after wanting to take my life away and not doing it was making me keep everything to myself, nothing would be important enough for me to share and I would swallow pain like my life depended on it.
Now I'm slowly regaining power over myself, over my daily activities and even when it feels good to have some free time, to be able to free my mind, I also feel guilty because she wasn't a burden, I helped her because I could and now that she's gone, all the free time feels like a gift to me, to everything I wished I could do.
It's going to take time, I know that, I know that no matter how much I try, it's going to hurt for a while. I can't even talk about her without tearing up, but each time I remind myself that she's resting, she was too tired, she did too much for myself and keeping her here was almost selfish. She saw me grow and become something better, but there's a long way to go.
And that's why I know I need to make those moves, because it's almost a way of thanking her. She gave me 15+ years, she helped me so much and gave me a purpose. I still remember the day the doctor told me she had demencia, I knew from that day that the strong woman I looked up to was getting tired, her mind was betraying her and there was nothing I could do.
We, as a family, did everything we could until the end. I'll be forever grateful for everything she did which is why I think I need to make all of this worthy, without her I wouldn't be here. It's time to dedicate more time to my masters, to myself and to all my side hustles.
There are a million and one excuses I could use but not this time. It doesn't feel right and if I can't get in shape, live healthy and succeed in life now, I'll never be able. It's time to honor her memory and myself.