What happens next? How are you supposed to move on with your life after such a hit? I don't know, no one really knows unless they go through something similar and even then, finding an answer seems like the most difficult thing you can try to solve. Feeling this lost is something I want to figure out but at the same time, I want to see what happens as time goes by.
I can feel depression creeping in, I can feel my anxiety taking over certain parts of my life, parts I thought I had under control. Meanwhile I can also feel myself wanting to push farther, harder than ever before but being scared of failing miserably. I back off before I can really do anything exciting.
Fear and pain are the things I've always run away from, why? because they make me feel weak and powerless. They drain all energy out of me and leave me feeling like there's nothing else I can do, even making me feel physical pain, but now I have to deal with both and I don't really know where to begin.
There are many things I want to do next and there are many projects I want to immerse myself into as the year goes on but at the same time I feel trapped in what I'm doing right now, while feeling scared because once all of this comes to an end I'm going to have so much free time that I can either bring myself to the promised land or crash.
I know I should be taking one day at a time but the future seems like one of the scariest things right now, there's no structure I can hold on to and the little plans I have for the next couple of months can really fall through in the blink of an eye. Having my grandma here gave me something to do, something to hold on to.
This is why I want to be as open and as honest as I can, I know there are many people feeling lost and feeling like nothing they do is enough, the reasons don't matter. Feeling like this is one of the worst things I ever had to deal with, losing yourself when you thought you had it all figured out makes you feel like a failure not only to yourself but to everyone else.
The one thing I kept thinking during the service was that no matter how bad my past was, this was a new low for me. The only good thing about this is that once you reach this point, you can only go up, you can only keep fighting for yourself and do what you always wanted.
What's going to happen next, I don't know, but I do know that great things happen when you set yourself to succeed.

I stand by what I said, I'm ready to make some changes in my life. It's been really weird lately, losing her was something I thought I was preparing myself for a few months back, but now that I've gone through it, it's been a completely different experience to what I expected.
I feel lost in my thoughts, I miss her and the habit of finding her home is taking the best of me. Everyday I come home hoping to see her in the same spot as always, feeling better, but she's not here and she won't come back. Living like this isn't an option, it's like I'm setting myself for failure and the last thing I promised her was to be strong and do all of the things I always wanted to do.
There are so many things I stopped doing out of tiredness, laziness and lack of time, like writing, this was the one thing that brought me back after wanting to take my life away and not doing it was making me keep everything to myself, nothing would be important enough for me to share and I would swallow pain like my life depended on it.
Now I'm slowly regaining power over myself, over my daily activities and even when it feels good to have some free time, to be able to free my mind, I also feel guilty because she wasn't a burden, I helped her because I could and now that she's gone, all the free time feels like a gift to me, to everything I wished I could do.
It's going to take time, I know that, I know that no matter how much I try, it's going to hurt for a while. I can't even talk about her without tearing up, but each time I remind myself that she's resting, she was too tired, she did too much for myself and keeping her here was almost selfish. She saw me grow and become something better, but there's a long way to go.
And that's why I know I need to make those moves, because it's almost a way of thanking her. She gave me 15+ years, she helped me so much and gave me a purpose. I still remember the day the doctor told me she had demencia, I knew from that day that the strong woman I looked up to was getting tired, her mind was betraying her and there was nothing I could do.
We, as a family, did everything we could until the end. I'll be forever grateful for everything she did which is why I think I need to make all of this worthy, without her I wouldn't be here. It's time to dedicate more time to my masters, to myself and to all my side hustles.
There are a million and one excuses I could use but not this time. It doesn't feel right and if I can't get in shape, live healthy and succeed in life now, I'll never be able. It's time to honor her memory and myself.

A year ago I was mourning the dead of one of my close middle school friends, while trying to get into my masters. My head was in such a different space than it is now that I can barely recognise myself. Of course I was grieving the lose of such a close friend, but I was also carrying other problems, problems I avoided talking about and that had become bigger than I imagined.
I spiralled down quickly, suddenly all my "flaws" were visible to everyone else around me, suddenly my problems with food were back and I started hitting and missing. Trying everything in the books to get better, pushing myself harder than ever before and yet I was still struggling, relapsing and feeling like there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now a year later I'm grieving again, feeling like the world is testing me in more than one way just to see how far I can go and to be honest, I feel a little tired of tests, of people trying to tell me to do more, to explore my potential and of losing people.
My grandma passed away last week, she fell asleep and in the eyes of everyone it was one of the most beautiful ways to go, in my eyes, it was the way she deserved to go. She was such an amazing woman with such a big heart that seeing her suffer didn't seem fair. Seeing her go was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.
"What now?" That's such a good question, how are you supposed to move on from that? She was my partner, we were roomies and now I'm alone, feeling a little lost. The first thing I know I have to do is grieve, the more I keep my feelings in, the less I'm going to be able to handle them in the future. I'm crying when I feel like it and going with what feels okay.
I promised her I was going to do everything that was in my hands to be better, to become the woman she wanted me to be and I want to make her proud. She dedicated so many years to me and to making me the best person she could that staying at home or not working in myself feels wrong.
Unlike last year I really want to work on myself, on becoming the person I've always wanted to be, there's nothing holding me back and with all the free time I'm going to have in the next months, it's worth the try, because if I don't do it now when I can, when will it happen?
It's time for changes and new beginnings. It's time to work on ourselves and becoming the best version of ourselves.

Building new habits is always hard, I wish it was easier but once you fall out of one, you'll find it hard to gain it back. I've fallen out of many habits, but reading is one of the ones I miss the most, not only does it feed the soul, it also helps you relax and get your mind off of everything.
This month happened something that I would have never expected a few years back, my list of read books is almost empty and I don't feel good about that. My goal would always be to read at least 4 to 5 books a month, more if possible and get to a beaming 100 books a year, but as I see it right now I won't be able to even come close to that goal if I don't start reading right not.
Instead of dedicating a month to reviewing books, I'll dedicate a month to recovering my habit of reading and sharing some posts that have been in the back of my head for quite a while. I want to share some of my favourites, some of my bad finds and maybe some of my tips for quick reading while still getting a full understatement of the story.
Reading is something that gave me a refugee when I was at my lowest. I used to hide from my reality in a good book and every rainy afternoon would be filled with a book and a cup of tea. It was my idea of a safe place and as I recovered and life got busier I lost that habit and with it a part of my happy place.
I'm at a point in which I can't dedicate as much time to this activities as I used to, but that doesn't mean I have to leave it and lose it. I can still read every free time I have, maybe not with a cup of tea, maybe not during a rainy afternoon, it doesn't really take away from it, does it?
This is my starting point, I'm putting out into the universe so I can really make it happen. New resolution maybe? We'll see.

Now that we have a plan, an idea of where we want to get it's time to set a game plan, set the steps to see a full image of where we want to get and what we need to work on in order to accomplish it in a realistic amount of time. For now, it's time to take the baby steps and see how we evolve from there.
My goals are always sort of generic, they have a small personal touch but I never really talk about the deep stuff or the details of how I want to work on certain goals. I just write them and go with what I feel like doing, but if I want to succeed I need to be specific and work more, so let's see where I want to begin.

• Move more, in general has always been a goal of mine, stress really affects my body, I lose flexibility and most of the time I end up hurting my neck or shoulders. Right now I'm working on getting better from a muscular contraction and it's become a vicious circle, one I can't control and movement helps release tension from the muscles and free the mind.
• Meditate. I've talked about how I have days in which I can really free my mind and others in which I have to move. There are many types of meditation and restorative yoga is amazing in those days in which you can't help but move. It's important to let your mind wonder and not try to control every single thought. 
• Eat green. My diet has been really shitty, I eat out most days and it's come to the point in which I don't even crave those foods anymore. I miss my veggies, my fruit and most importantly I miss the feeling of satiety, of feeling good after eating. 
• Read more. There's so much you can see on a screen, but reading books is fascinating, immersing myself into the pages and stories of different authors is something I wouldn't change for the world. Spending at least 30 min a day is not only liberating, it makes the mind grow. 
• Clean after me, a messy place leads to a messy mind and I've found that I can't concentrate properly when there's a mess around me. If you spend from 10 to 15 min organising your space, you'll be surprise by how much you can get done and how much it helps you stay on top of things. 
• Study more and this comes from a good place, I can't keep sending half done papers with little to no research. It's from subjects I love but I need to dedicate more time to the research and better my writing style. I've been lacking this semester and it's starting to show. 
• Go out, part of working a half time job and going to school full time is staying inside all the time and my mind is starting to go crazy. I miss going to new coffee shops, going for walks or just wondering around. Also I miss my friends and good food.

Lately I've been toying around with the idea of what I should write about, I can't always talk about my anxiety or recovery from eating disorders. As much as I work on it and on myself, I won't making instant progress and if I did, I would know I'm moving too fast and when things happen like that, it doesn't really last.
Taking off one of the biggest parts of my life leaves me with a lot of doubts and questions about what I should write about. It worried me as much as it can be worrying you, the one reading this. Where have my passions gone? and how do I get them back?
Reading has been left on a limbo, I either don't have enough time to do it or I don't pay attention. It has taken me up to 2 months to finish a book, something unheard of. If I want to read more, what do I have to do to get my feet wet and start doing it more consistently?
Writing as you can see, has been left aside completely. The amount of effort I have put into this is minimal, which is why posting became harder and harder. I lost my groove and I can only write so much before I start to compromise the content. If I don't feel happy about it, then I won't post it.
Working out has also been fully neglected, I used to be really good at working out 5 days a week, doing yoga, having enough time for myself and now, I don't seem to find enough time to have a proper workout and when I do I can feel my lack of strength and get discouraged really quickly.
This list can go on and on, I've lost the habit of doing a lot of things I used to do to take care of myself and it shows, maybe not in the way I look, because in reality now that I have been working, my physique has changed for good, what I'm missing is a lot of tone.
April is my time to focus on myself. It sounds like a promise I've made in the past, but right now  I feel so tired about everything that the only solution I have left is to work on myself or swallow and for some reason spending time working on my mind and body sounds quite attractive.
You can see where I was going with that, I want to post recovery updates but at the same time I want to share daily improvements, those little battle that can really build that road to success or full recovery. April, May and June are going to be esencial, I'm going to have the most amount of time to really work on myself and really make progress without anyone else's interruption. After that summer is going to start and it's going to be rather interesting to say the least.
With a plan and lots of coffee is time to put ourselves to work, if it's not now, then when?