As this goes live, my period working in this place is about to end and like I said before, unless I find my way around everything that has been happening, this may be my last year. I'm making decisions that for some people may seem radical or premature, but I either start caring for myself or I get lost again and that has become my biggest fear.
The question is what's next? I can't go back to what I did before, it was fun and all but I'm not the same person and right now, I'm too scarred to just keep everything inside and move on like nothing has happened. Crying can't become a habit of mine, I need to be able to find something to keep me accountable and happy.
Sometimes I wish all of this was easier, that pain would just go away without me having to even try, but I get that the easy way out can't be done here. That may be one of the hardest lessons learned to this day, the easy way out isn't always the best way out and even if it takes you years to recover, it's going to be a fight worth fighting not only for you but for everyone else that's around you.
The answer I do not have, the pain will remain for as long as I let it stay inside me.
Going back to the basics may be the obvious answer here, because reconnecting with the person I used to be can bring me peace of mind, but I also need to connect with the person I'm becoming, the person I've learned to be and actually learn to close cycles, move on and not be so afraid of everything that comes my way.
The place to start is inside me, I need to find my centre and be aware of the things that make me who I am, the things that have happened have moulded me and made me stronger, but have also put a weight on my shoulders, so what's the answer?
Letting go, letting go of everyone and everything that has ever caused me pain or has left a sour taste on my mouth. It isn't worthy any more, at least not for me. Whatever or whoever can trigger my anxiety has to go and I have to be okay with them leaving, not holding on to them for the sake of having a group of friends.
It can not make sense right now, but knowing that I'm able to do whatever I need to do in order to get better can really give you some of that control back and give you space to work with something you once thought lost.
Yes, I'm in a really dark place right now. I expected nothing that has happened but for now that's my reality and I have to learn to get better with what I have and with the resourses I have within my reach. I asked for help again, I'm going back to regular therapy and even when I was scared of doing it, now I feel like it was the right move on my part. No one is going to take more care of myself than me.
For a little while this is going to seem a self-help blog, but I promise you, someday I'm going to get better, someday I'm going to get out of this and it will all be fun and games again. For now, remember to keep on dreaming.