It's been months since the last time I thought about this, about wanting to ask for help. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was working hard enough on myself to let anything that could bother me slide away, but I was wrong.
It was my last breakdown, the one that showed me that my life is far from what everyone sees. From the outside you can really see this perfect family with its perfect daughter that's going to study a masters and live independently, when in reality we do fight, we barely see each other and I'm not a golden child, I'm, in fact, broken.
Not in the economical sense, in the emotional sense. Everything that has happened over the past year and a half has destroyed every small bit of strength I had left inside me. It made me realise that keeping that "everything is perfect" facade was doing more wrong than it did good.
Suddenly everything stopped mattering or bothering me. Suddenly it didn't mattered if I had worked out or if I was eating well enough to feed my body. My mind was so busy with so much stress that I couldn't think about myself. I was letting myself burn down and I was taking everyone else with me.
And one day it clicked, my tummy was aching because I hadn't eaten breakfast, my mind was blurry because I was hungry and thirsty. I was moving my fingers a lot, I was overthinking one problem, I was letting that little voice dictate how I was supposed to feel.
That was the day I sent the first email to my councillor. No one would have expected me to have such a huge breakdown after that. I could say that a weight had been lifted of off my shoulders, but I couldn't stop crying, I did it for hours until I fell asleep, I did it the next day when someone hugged me.
My eyes were red, my hair messy and all I could think was that I was failing myself and others. It feel like a relapse. It felt wrong but for the next three days I messaged my councillor for hours on end, trying to find a plan.
It's hard to ask for help, but it's harder to stay the same way you did before. Say something before it's too late and know that this doesn't make you weaker, it makes you braver and will help you be a better person. Remember that nothing and no one should take your ability to dream away from you.