"Does anyone know that you have been going through this?" Four years ago that was the first thing she asked me when I entered her office, my answer would've been the same now "No, I don't want anyone to know about this", because, then and now, I knew everyone would ask me about how I got here.
Back then I knew I had troubles, I didn't know how big, but I knew they were there. Now it's different, I have an idea of what I have, an idea of what I need to do and fear as big as it could be to go through the things I did in the past. Maybe that why I had been so resilient to talk about this with anyone other than myself.
It was a Friday when I manned up, I needed to talk to the one person that could say me all the harsh truths and still support me."Strange"isn't given enough credit for anything he has done for me, but his friendships is one of the ones I value the most. So before I knew it I was ringing him...
He answered me and before I had time to actually think things though I spit the truth out. "Do you remember two years ago when I told you I was going to therapy? I left it and last night I sent an email telling my tutor that I need to go back".
There were many why's and a lot of tears. Unlucky for me I was in the lobby of my work, I wasn't able to really open up properly. I told him everything that I had done in the past month or so, everything that I felt compromised my health, physical o mental was poured out right there. I also admitted that a part of me feels like I've been denying the fact that she's not here anymore.
It was one of the toughest things I had to admit. He was being understanding and caring but a part of me felt like he was holding back because I was crying, because I knew that what I had done over the past month had been wrong. I was as honest as I could've been and once it was done, I felt sad but relieved that someone else knew what I was going through and didn't judge me for asking for help.
Maybe it wasn't the best way to come out about my struggles again, maybe I could've been more sensitive about the way I was talking about all of this with him. I know it was hard for him to listen that I had been struggling with a subject that has always been touchy with him, knowing that I hadn't been eating can really make you feel bad about something.
It was the first step I took into recovery, it hurt, I cried a lot but it was a weight lifted of off my shoulders. Always remember to talk with someone whenever you feel like you are going through something that's bigger than you.

It's been months since the last time I thought about this, about wanting to ask for help. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was working hard enough on myself to let anything that could bother me slide away, but I was wrong.
It was my last breakdown, the one that showed me that my life is far from what everyone sees. From the outside you can really see this perfect family with its perfect daughter that's going to study a masters and live independently, when in reality we do fight, we barely see each other and I'm not a golden child, I'm, in fact, broken.
Not in the economical sense, in the emotional sense. Everything that has happened over the past year and a half has destroyed every small bit of strength I had left inside me. It made me realise that keeping that "everything is perfect" facade was doing more wrong than it did good.
Suddenly everything stopped mattering or bothering me. Suddenly it didn't mattered if I had worked out or if I was eating well enough to feed my body. My mind was so busy with so much stress that I couldn't think about myself. I was letting myself burn down and I was taking everyone else with me.
And one day it clicked, my tummy was aching because I hadn't eaten breakfast, my mind was blurry because I was hungry and thirsty. I was moving my fingers a lot, I was overthinking one problem, I was letting that little voice dictate how I was supposed to feel.
That was the day I sent the first email to my councillor. No one would have expected me to have such a huge breakdown after that. I could say that a weight had been lifted of off my shoulders, but I couldn't stop crying, I did it for hours until I fell asleep, I did it the next day when someone hugged me.
My eyes were red, my hair messy and all I could think was that I was failing myself and others. It feel like a relapse. It felt wrong but for the next three days I messaged my councillor for hours on end, trying to find a plan.
It's hard to ask for help, but it's harder to stay the same way you did before. Say something before it's too late and know that this doesn't make you weaker, it makes you braver and will help you be a better person. Remember that nothing and no one should take your ability to dream away from you.

As this goes live, my period working in this place is about to end and like I said before, unless I find my way around everything that has been happening, this may be my last year. I'm making decisions that for some people may seem radical or premature, but I either start caring for myself or I get lost again and that has become my biggest fear.
The question is what's next? I can't go back to what I did before, it was fun and all but I'm not the same person and right now, I'm too scarred to just keep everything inside and move on like nothing has happened. Crying can't become a habit of mine, I need to be able to find something to keep me accountable and happy.
Sometimes I wish all of this was easier, that pain would just go away without me having to even try, but I get that the easy way out can't be done here. That may be one of the hardest lessons learned to this day, the easy way out isn't always the best way out and even if it takes you years to recover, it's going to be a fight worth fighting not only for you but for everyone else that's around you.
The answer I do not have, the pain will remain for as long as I let it stay inside me.
Going back to the basics may be the obvious answer here, because reconnecting with the person I used to be can bring me peace of mind, but I also need to connect with the person I'm becoming, the person I've learned to be and actually learn to close cycles, move on and not be so afraid of everything that comes my way.
The place to start is inside me, I need to find my centre and be aware of the things that make me who I am, the things that have happened have moulded me and made me stronger, but have also put a weight on my shoulders, so what's the answer?
Letting go, letting go of everyone and everything that has ever caused me pain or has left a sour taste on my mouth. It isn't worthy any more, at least not for me. Whatever or whoever can trigger my anxiety has to go and I have to be okay with them leaving, not holding on to them for the sake of having a group of friends.
It can not make sense right now, but knowing that I'm able to do whatever I need to do in order to get better can really give you some of that control back and give you space to work with something you once thought lost.
Yes, I'm in a really dark place right now. I expected nothing that has happened but for now that's my reality and I have to learn to get better with what I have and with the resourses I have within my reach. I asked for help again, I'm going back to regular therapy and even when I was scared of doing it, now I feel like it was the right move on my part. No one is going to take more care of myself than me.
For a little while this is going to seem a self-help blog, but I promise you, someday I'm going to get better, someday I'm going to get out of this and it will all be fun and games again. For now, remember to keep on dreaming.