When someone dies we feel pain, we are showered with this sense of guilt and regret of all of the things we didn't do, all the things we could've done, all of the times we didn't appreciate the time we spent together, all of those times we cancelled because we didn't want to go out.
I've definitely felt that way, more than once. I remember that when one of my aunts moved I was so mad that I didn't even said goodbye, I saw her leave and I just stood there, I didn't want her to leave but what I didn't know was that it was going to be the last time I was going to see her.
I regretted that day for years, she was the one that raised me and I couldn't even say goodbye. My mum and therapy helped me overcome those feelings. We talked and I realised that we cared too much about each other and no one was mad with each other, we talked a lot after she left.
And now I feel it once again, because a part of me wishes I could've fixed things with her earlier, I wish I could've been with her before all of this, when she was in trouble, when she needed a friend.
We can't take time back, that's the thing about becoming an adult, you have to live with the decisions you made, even when you know that some of them are going to hurt you. Once you make your mind there's not much else you can do.
Regret is a terrible feeling, the only thing I'm glad is that I actually got to see her one last time and she was happy, actually happy. She was a strong woman that never let anyone walk over her. She set an example and left a mark on everyone that actually made an effort to met her.
If you are going through something similar, talk with someone, most of the time it's because you are reading too much into the situation, you are seeing anger where it isn't. Let yourself feel pain, cry as much as you want and when you are finally coming to terms with it, remember the good days, the memories and make them proud.
She was a character and will never be forgotten.