I don't remember when this happened, but I do remember where and how I got there. To set the record straight at this point of my life I knew something was off with me but I had no idea what anxiety was or how it was affecting my life.
It was dark outside, everyone was either inside their classrooms or outside, smoking before it got too late or before they could get caught. I was supposed to be in class, being the perfect girl everyone wanted me to be, doing what I was supposed to do, but instead I was outside lurking for a boy that would never look at me, or at least not the way I wanted to.
We were talking, even arguing and before I knew it everything took a turn, everything stopped and I was left feeling like the idiot that would never be able to feel loved or cared for. It was all my fault and not being mentally stable enough, I cracked under his words.
I remember running away, that would always be my first instinct, to get away from whatever was causing me misery, so I got away from him to look out for my things so I could leave, because at least for one night I was going to be free, then I would thing of something else, something that would make me feel more deserving of him.
On my way out I saw him before he hugged me, it wasn't an stranger, it was "Engineer", he was coming out of his class, he was there and he held me for what felt like hours. He didn't ask any questions, he was what I needed right there and then.
Once I was calm enough I remember telling him "thank you" and pointing how my mascara had rubbed on his sweater, he didn't care, he asked me if I was okay to keep going and with a nod I moved on from him.
We may go through rough patches, we may not talk every single day but we still are really close. He knows me too well and there's nothing I could ever hide from him. At this point of my lie and after almost 8 years of friendship I don't know what I would do without him.
Mayte.
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