I feel like I'm talking with one of those friends you see every two years but refuse to let them go, mostly because the memories are way too precious to let go that easily. So grab a cup of tea and let me tell you what has happened in the past month or so.
First of all, I'm sorry, I did an update about two weeks ago in which I promised to be more consistent, thing that hasn't happened, then I posted the resolutions were, once again, promised to be more consistent and, again, it hasn't happened. None of this was part of the plan, but let's start from the beginning, shall we?
About a month ago I started working on a summer course, not only was I excited because that's my dream job, but because of all the memories and people you get to met and spend time with daily. In that month you really get to meet some people, you laugh, you cry, you pull all nighters with them, and most of the time it doesn't matter how hard the job is, you do it with a smile on your face.
But something inside me wasn't right, as you know I suffer from anxiety and something I've been learning is how to recognise the symptoms and take care of myself. During that month my anxiety picked to it's highest point in about two years, to the point in which I wasn't really sleeping properly and I could feel my heart pound inside my chest telling me that something was really wrong.
This went through for about two weeks in which my mind was restless, my body was aching, but the smile was still there, as big as it was when we started. My mistake was not talking with anyone, I thought that at one point everything was going to go away or that going back to taking pills was going to be the solution and then the big panic attack happened.
You never get used to them, you really don't know when they are going to happen, but that Tuesday had been hell for me and adding a panic attack to that just made me feel more like crap, like once again, I wasn't worthy of anything that was happening to me.
This mood continued for the duration of the course, I just wanted to finish up with that big project and move on, not say goodbye, because I would definitely go back, but just take time for myself. I realised that in about a year and a half I haven't taken time for myself, I haven't enjoyed my time alone, I've been under pressure, surrounded by people and that's something that doesn't do me right.
I know some people are going to read this and maybe be surprised by me having anxiety or realising that during that amazing month I was struggling, but one thing I've realised through four years of actually dealing with it, is that I'm not my anxiety and even when it sometimes takes control of myself and my mind, I can fight to be who I truly am and enjoy more of the life we live.
This is me saying that I want to get better again, I want to work on myself, not only physically, but mentally, which I've been neglecting over the past 12 months. I can deal my anxiety, I know I can, I just have to work hard on it and it will pass.