When was the last time I took a day off? When was the last time I enjoyed a cup of tea by myself without having to think "what I have to do next"?
Becoming an adult became one of the worst ideas I could ever have, not only is it demanding, it meant that I had to grow, to become what everyone wanted me to be, a nice lady with nice manners.
It gets me everytime, no matter how short my day was, it always gets to me, what if I didn't chose any of that? What if I was withdrawn? What if I continued my life like I did before? I wouldn't care about anything that would happen around me, I would let the world spin and do whatever he thinks is best.
Sometimes I like to think about what would have happened if none of this happened, what would have changed? Would I be the same lost sheep? Would he still be here? I like to think that I would be doing something different, something new, I would be that daring woman, but it's all in my head.
Seeing my house in front of me makes me feel better, makes those thoughts go away, makes me come back to reality, my reality, the one I've been living for the past few years, that reality that hit me when I was down and made realise that maybe not everything was as easy as I thought it would be.
Phone, keys, music, shoes, all out, as I step into this square that I call home, I can't help but laugh, everything about this space screams that it's ours, the colours, the old magazines, the clothes around the couch, even the mess, because we've been building this space for many years and even when for some it feels small, this is the perfect space for us.
The steam, the hot water makes the pain, the sweat, the dirt of the day go away, the deep breaths help to calm my mind as I come to the realisation that I'm back home, finally, the only place that I've hated as much as I love.
As I sit down, I wonder has everything been worthy? everything I do is to get somewhere, but am I getting closer? Am I doing it for me? Am I growing? becoming better? wiser? Am I making them proud?
So when I hear the keys on the door and turn around to see a tired face saying hi, I can't help but smile, because that's when I know the answer to all of those questions rounding my head, because if they can keep fighting even when they are defeated, I can too, because they taught me that no matter how bumpy the road was, it's always worthy getting to the finish line.
Maybe sometimes I have bad days, maybe I'm not happy all the time, maybe I laugh when I shouldn't, sometimes I get too involved, but at the end is all worthy, because I keep fighting, all of those late nights, bad coffees, bad companies, busy days, busy nights, all of that is part of me, some part of my past, some part of my future.
No matter how bad the day was, it all has been worthy, all the changes, all the sh*t, now I realise how lucky I am to experience all of this, but how hard I have to work to get them, I just have to keep on dreaming.