It's been a while since the last time I picked up my computer and started writing, I want to lie, I want to say that I haven't had the time or the energy to do it, but that's not the case. I've been afraid to change, to flip to a new fresh page. There are a lot of doubts, a lot of pain we need to heal and in order to get there, we need to work more on ourselves.
This year has probably been the most challenging in my life, I've always said that my life 4 years ago was easy and I didn't see it, I didn't value how fortunate I was. Then, when things got hard I started to struggle and feel like maybe I wasn't good enough, that maybe all this challenges were going to break me in a way nothing else could, and they did.
For a few months I broke down, my life was changing but something inside me was staying the same and I didn't know how I was supposed to act or go on from there, but I stuck to my guts, I made it work and for a few months I lived the life everyone wanted me to live until I couldn't, until everything changed once again.
Ever since she passed away I knew I had to do something with my life, I didn't know what, so I started asking the wrong questions to the wrong people. It wasn't about what was going to make me become what everyone wanted me to be. It was about what I wanted to do for me, what was going to make me happy and I didn't see it.
I've had two jobs, finished and started a new semester, changed my room and furniture around, painted more than ever before, started and stopped going to the gym and nothing worked. I blamed it on what I was doing, on it not being enough and I was wrong, I was the one creating the problems with everything else.
Changing isn't only about the exterior, it isn't going to be about how I look or how I act around people, it's going to be about how I live my life, how I deal with everything around me but most importantly, it's going to be about creating a new mentality around my anxiety, around my life and around everything that happens next.
This time, I don't have a plan. I have no idea what am I supposed to do with all the time I've created for myself, the only thing I can think of is getting better and maybe finding my true passion. Learning and evolving into a better human, or at least a highly functional one. It's time to do it for myself.